Eyes Wide Shut

No not the movie.  Just felt it expressed how I was feeling currently.  I am sitting in bed with my youngest and falling asleep fast.  I need a good night's sleep but I know that is a pipe dream.  I wouldn't say this was even one iota of a productive weekend.  But it was a very good weekend.  Too bad it goes so fast. I realize more and more the people who will always help me get through the hard times.  The list has dwindled over the years.  And I actually like it that way.  If you can't handle it when I'm at my worst and lowest, you don't deserve to be around for my best. I have my few select.  You better believe that I would do anything for them as well.  I may not have a lot of family.  My few have made up for that.  Sometimes you have to pick your own family.  I am very proud of those people so close to me that I get to call them my brothers or sisters.  They are as much of my world as my beautiful babes that lay near me now fast asleep.  And we all have each other when our backs are against the wall.  I am very happy to be where I am today.  Some days I made it here on the shoulders of these few that I cherish so deeply.  Sometimes I've carried them.  This.  This is what life is about.  Pure, honest love for another human being. 

Hello

"You and I were friends from outer space

Afraid to let go

The only 2 who understood this place

And as far as we know

We were way before our time

As bold as we were blind

Just another perfect mistake

Another bridge to take

On the way of letting go,

This ain't goodbye

This is just where love goes

When words aren't warm enough to keep away the cold

This ain't goodbye

It's not where our story ends

But I know you can't be mine, not the way you've always been

As long as we've got time

Then this ain't goodbye

Oh no, this ain't goodbye

We were stars up in the sunlit sky

No one else could see

Neither of us ever thought to ask why

It wasn't meant to be

Maybe we were way too high

To ever understand

Maybe we were victims of all the foolish plans

We began to devise

But this ain't goodbye

This is just the way love goes

When words aren't warm enough to keep away the cold.

This ain't goodbye

It's not where our story ends

But I know you can't be mine

Just like the way you've always been

As long as we've got time,

This ain't goodbye,

Oh no, this ain't good bye, oh oh, oh no this ain't goodbye

This ain't goodbye

You and I were friends from outer space

Afraid to let go

The only two who understood this place

And as far as we know

This ain't goodbye

Oh no this ain't goodbye

This ain't goodbye oh no this ain't goodbye

This ain't goodbye

It's just the way love goes

But where's that woman now, to keep away the cold, oh no?

This ain't goodbye

This isn't where the story ends

But I know you can't be mine

Like the way you've always been

This ain't goodbye"

- Train

Long time in the making

I am not even sure how I got to this moment.  Its interesting the little things that can completely change your way of thinking...in such a short amount of time.  I have recently come in contact with someone from my past and 14 years later, we are learning to be friends again.  Its been already a great couple of weeks getting to know each other again and learning about each others' lives since we parted paths.  It feels like I had something missing for those 14 years and didn't even realize it until it was found again.  I have a very special and important friend back...and it feels good to have that again.

And that isn't the last of my path of reconciliation it seems.  I have not seen my father since I was 18.  And I'd be lying if I said that didn't phase me.  I put on the tough girl mask that I am okay with it, but many times I am not.  It doesn't tear me up inside or affect me in a way that makes me sad.  I don't expect to have the closest of relationships, because really we never did, but I would at least try to salvage something with him.  I was just recently told that "Time is precious."  And this is something I have always known...I have been through my own times of loss and struggle, but something about it this time hit home.  So I reached out.  Trying to make amends in different areas of life I guess.  Coming up on 31 years of this life and I am still constantly learning about being human and how we make this life worth it each and every day.

I just re-watched Ellen DeGeneres' Here and Now special again the other night.  She makes a big play on procrastination.  And while I believe her view is spot on...we move to fast in life and aren't trying to truly enjoy its pleasures...we also need to remember what we SHOULD procrastinate and what things we just need to get over ourselves about and just do it!

So just remember, put off the things that can wait until tomorrow but learn to enjoy what you can for today:

“Procrastination is not the problem. It is the solution. It is the universe's way of saying stop, slow down, you move too fast. Listen to the music. Whoa whoa, listen to the music. Because music makes the people come together, it makes the bourgeois and the rebel. So come on people now, smile on your brother, everybody try to love one another. Because what the world needs now is love, sweet love. And I know that love is a battlefield, but boogie on reggae woman because you're gonna make it after all. So celebrate good times, come on. I've gotta stop I've gotta come to my senses, I've been out riding fences for so long... oops I did it again... um... What I'm trying to say is, if you leave tonight and you don't remember anything else that I've said, leave here and remember this: Procrastinate now, don't put it off. ” - Ellen DeGeneres 

The Blah's

This hasn't been a great week. I have had both a nonstop migraine and shoulder injury pain. This morning, I've been very emotional...I think mostly from anxiety and lack of sleep. I'm sleeping horribly and feel awful by morning. Time to get that under control.

Goals redux

So as the new year has started, I am trying to revamp my goals. My original 101 list was long lost last year from a computer virus. I have still tried to work on bits and pieces that I remembered but haven't had great success either sometimes. I attempted to start my meditation, but then was working two jobs consistently which just caused more burn out and no time for the meditation challenge I had joined. So here's hoping to get that back into my life. 2012 was so jam packed and busy from beginning to end. It brought our family back together and us into our current home. There were been job ups and downs, and the passing of my Praxis exams. Here's to hoping we are on track to make even more changes in 2013 to benefit our family and ourselves. I have lots of ideas and lots of plans that I hope to share, and hopefully back to a daily posting here. Here's to 2013! Make it a good one, folks!