Well there goes the year

New Years Eve 2011. And I was woken up before the sun even rose. Guess the kiddos thought I should "enjoy" every last hour while 2011 was still here. In a few minutes, I will be getting ready to spend my day at work - - helping dreams come true! I will definitely need coffee for this today. Bring it on!

Back to Routine

My last post was quite "facebook cryptic". I apologize for such.

My parents and husband secretly planned for him to fly back to Vegas for Christmas.  It was amazingly wonderful to be in my husband's arms again and to hear his voice in person, not through the advancement of phone technology.  I miss him so terribly much.  This has been a lot harder than I ever expected.  A lot of our preconceived notions and plans just have not worked out the way we had hoped.  It has caused a lot of stress.  But for those few beautifully, wonderful days; it all melted away and everything seemed right again.  He arrived Thursday night before Christmas and flew back to Dallas on Monday afternoon/evening after Christmas.  Here it is now Thursday and I already feel the weight of my longing hard upon my heart and shoulders.  Now begins the long haul until he can make a return trip. At the earliest, I expect maybe sometime in February.  Its even more likely that it will not be until March.  And those will be very quick turn around trips as well...he'll have to drive out one night, spend the next day resting, and drive back the day after that.  Those trips are just to help bring all our ridiculous amount of belongings back from Texas, in hopes that in May its a one smaller truck load trip.

So now that we have spent weeks off of routines and schedules, and the holiday madness is all over, it is time for us to get back on track.  I am hoping that helps the boys feel some normalcy again and that I can get myself back into the groove as well.  Here's to hoping anyway.

Best Gift

It's been a very long, trying three weeks. And last night I received the best gift (and only gift) I could ask for this year. Life is a little better for the next three days. And I'll take what I can get.

First failed goal

I haven't posted about this, but I guess I should. I went out for one of my goals, and failed. I will be trying again, but that really sucked. I have been a hard time with it since. There have been a lot of other trying situations going on right now as well that are causing a lot of stress. I'm trying to not let it all get to me.

First day back

I returned to work today. I am already calling it my "drama free zone.". I needed it. It wasn't to busy but I get myself busy anyway. Picked up our niece tonight, and I'm excited to spend some time with her. Hopefully it starts feeling like the holidays soon.

Le sigh

Im doing awful at blogging now that I am back in Vegas. But then again I thought I would be happier about being back. But the boys are not doing well without Daddy, drama is running rampant elsewhere. I just feel like I jumped the gun on this one.

Rushing in head first

The boys have been so off schedule since the move, it has me second guessing the move sometimes. Them not sleeping has me so exhausted that I'm near tears most of the time. I just am so ready to have my husband back...and it's only been a week. I'm over this whole ordeal and this whole year already. I'm done with the stress of it all one way or another. It would be great to have us all home together where we belong. I need him home soon that's for sure.

Best episode

Let me escape a bit of reality for a moment - -

Last night was the Season 4 finale of Sons of Anarchy.  I know I have talked about this extensively before, but SOA is quite possibly my favorite show currently on television. And I have a few shows I really do enjoy.  Yet, nothing is so well written and executed (no pun intended) as this show.  I am always on edge each week, especially this season.  Its been a really rough season that I just didn't see the way out of for the characters, especially Ron Perlman's "Clay" (who we are made to hate more and more each week).  I am still floored with how perfectly last night's episode ended.  It was beautiful and actually touching to see that they let things wrap up as well as they could for such situations. It was literally four seasons in the making to get them to the exact spot each member ended up in.  Fantastic season finale! I don't think any show can beat it this year. I cannot believe now its eight months until the show comes back for season 5! Eeek!

If you have not ever watched Sons of Anarchy, I thoroughly recommend you get on that immediately. You will be hooked, I guarantee it!

And so it begins...

I haven't blogged in almost two weeks.  And not for lacking of starting to, but then getting sidetracked.

A lot has happened in this amount of time.  All along, we had been planning our surprise Thanksgiving trip back to Las Vegas to see family and friends.  But then just about three weeks ago, it became more and more apparent that the boys and I would not just be visiting, but also moving back as well.  While the husband would still have to return to the dreaded "D" for some time, we would be able to be back at home and working on helping out around Vegas. 

We got in on Wednesday afternoon before Thanksgiving.  My parents were basically the only ones who knew we were coming, who were in town.  Our first reveal was to our best and most dearest friends.  It was amazing and wonderful and felt great to make them happy like that.  The next day was the "big" surprise for Thanksgiving.  We have close family friends that all get together on Thanksgiing as a big group, so of course this was the perfect time to show up to surprise everyone.  And we did just that.  It made for a wonderful holiday for sure! 

Since then its just been getting around town to do things and see people before my husband had to leave.  Its definitely been a busy 10 days.  Due to weather conditions, the husband had to leave earlier than planned.  He got on the road early Saturday afternoon.

Now begins the hard part - - the beginning of the end of our Dallas days, per se?!?  While its amazing to be home, and I am so thankful and glad to have the opportunity to be home, its going to be very rough for our family to be separated again.  And this could be up to six months.  This is now the long haul to getting my whole family home again where we belong.

Today's the day...

It's going to be a good day...I can feel it in my bones! ;-)

Craziness

There is a lot going on right now.  I'm just trying to stay on track and keep up!  Thanksgiving in just a few days.  And then let the holiday season begin! YAY!  Seriously from September until the end of the year, is my favorite time of year.  We have so much going on all the time and it just is all in fun spirits with birthdays and holidays and lots of good times.  I am really excited that this week has finally arrived.  I love Thanksgiving, and this year its helping to make the last 6 1/2 months to be better than it has thus far.  I have lots of cleaning and preparations to get done today and tomorrow.  Here's hoping I get everything done with time to rest. 

The day my life changed

I cannot believe it has already been five years.  Five amazing, beautiful, eye-opening, life changing years.  Five years ago, I became a mother.  I am not exactly sure why, but I am very emotional over it today.  My little guy has blessed us in so many ways.  He has made us laugh and even cry (oh those looong sleepless, colic, GERD nights), has taught us a new kind of patience, helped us find peace and calm in times of immense pain and struggle, and has showed me more in his five little years than I have learned in my whole 29 years.  I cannot imagine my life without my kiddos.  Its been an amazing ride thus far, and I cannot wait for all the years to come.  Thank you, Lil' A, for blessing us with all your little amazing antics that make you so wonderfully, YOU!  Happy birthday to my baby boy!

Suh-PIIES!

Well, that's how my two year old says it.  But no matter what, I love good surprises. I love being surprised, and I definitely love surprising people.  That's what makes this time of year so much fun.  I spent about an hour on websites, especially Toys 'R Us, today, just brainstorming and dreaming up some good surprises.  And I think I married the Master of Surprise, one of the main reasons I love him so.  I think the coming weeks and months have some good things in store.

A poem today

there are so many tictoc
clocks everywhere telling people
what toctic time it is for
tictic instance five toc minutes toc
past six tic

Spring is not regulated and does
not get out of order nor do
its hands a little jerking move
over numbers slowly

   we do not
wind it up it has no weights
springs wheels inside of
its slender self no indeed dear
nothing of the kind.

(So,when kiss Spring comes
we'll kiss each kiss other on kiss the kiss
lips because tic clocks toc don't make
a toctic difference
to kisskiss you and to 
kiss me)

-e. e. cummings 

Two weeks

until Thanksgiving...What are you thankful for this year?

Reactions

I have been quite surprised at the reactions about this new change.  Especially those who are living here/from here/etc.  Nearly everyone has mentioned how hard it is to move to Texas. Hmm...interesting.  I can come up with about 1000 theories as to why.  But then maybe I just don't adapt well in trying situations.  Or maybe I was fighting this before it even happened.  I really was happy and excited about getting out of Las Vegas...but then maybe that was more of me guarding myself over how hard this was going to be in the first place.  I will be a busy, busy woman for the next few weeks. I cannot wait for things to settle down for a bit.

This is really happening...

And fast!

I have so much to do. We all have a lot to do in a very short amount of time.  There are preparations on both ends of this as well. Yesterday was a bit stressful because things weren't working out exactly how we had hoped/liked, but I think we have worked it all out now...at least I hope so.  There is always some anxiety that comes with big decisions, at least for me, but I just keep telling myself that in the long run its for the better.

Seven months almost always seems like a short time span, until now. After being separated from all the things we love and enjoy, its been the longest seven months. I am ready to feel at ease and to relax.  I realize now that I have been on edge in some way or form the entire time we have been here.  I need the break, that's for sure. 

We tried. We tried hard. But this just has not worked for us. Its not a good fit.  I feel somewhat guilty about that, but when you feel this awful deep down inside, there is no denying that we just do not belong in Dallas. Its not for our family. Its not even beneficial for our family. We need to be home.  And apparently, this is not home. 

Quickly changing

Who knew plans could change so quickly and feel so much better that way?! 

Plans to stagger out our return to Vegas are coming to fruition.  A few things are still sketchy, but its coming together currently.  There are still pros and cons to this decision, but in the long run and as a whole it will be for the better.

Now its all about figuring out all the little details and getting organized in 21 days....and GO!

6 months

Well we made it through Hallowe'en without family and friends.  Like I said to the husband last night, I am glad we won't be doing that again next year. 

And now marks our 6 months here.  It was all uphill to get here, let's hope its a fast roll downhill out of here.  There are some sketchy details waiting upon further evaluation of the situation back home, but there is absolute certainty that by the end of the next 6 months we will be leaving Texas.  And truly just the thought makes me happy.  The waiting is the hardest part.

A week's worth

of blogging to be done in one blog.  I am just not up to date on this and by the end of the night, I am completely forgetting about it.

Its basically the same ol' same ol' around here.  A few decisions will be made by the end of this month/beginning of next month on exactly how the rest of our "stay" here in Texas is going to play out.  We have some accessing to do about both our situation and how things are going on around back home.  I know no mater what that it is going to be hard to leave again after only a week or two visit. 

I am just now getting over what seems to have been the flu for nearly two weeks.  I need to get myself back into my daily routine.  I haven't exercised, cleaned much, or done really a lot of anything since getting sick and I'm all out of sorts.  Hopefully this week I can really get back into things. Its obvious around the house that I just haven't been able to focus on much around here.  That ends now because it'll start to stress me out soon.  I don't need that.

I miss...

Those two words always seem to bring on little sentences from my 4 year old's mouth that chip away at my heart.  His innocence is beautiful and I love the little things he comes up with each day.  But it hurts knowing how much he misses even the smallest, minor things about life back in Vegas.  His routine of life was turned upside down.  And while a normal kid would have a hard time with that to start with, a high needs child just can't process that the same.  Its even more earth shattering, heart breaking, and worrisome for a high needs child.  Make it two, in our case.  Today was one of those days.  Granted, over something very minute and not earth shattering, but still something he misses nonetheless.  So I started making countdown pages for him to see how long until things like his birthday, holidays, and projected possible visits home.  Hopefully this helps him look forward to the things that are coming up and the time until we are back in Vegas.  I know it will help me, too.  I just cannot wait to give some good, long hugs.  I already get choked up thinking about how we'll only have a short amount of time of a visit and have to leave again.  I really wish we could travel back and forth more often.  It would be much more helpful to everyone all around.  But for now, at least we have something to look forward to - - a visit sometime before Christmas.

Weekend is gone

Or almost. We are about to start into our 25th week here in Dallas. Thus far a total of 175 days.  And it won't be a moment too soon for me until we are back in Vegas for visiting.  I just need the break and the time back there to recuperate a bit.  I hope it will help us to feel a bit better about this move.  I know - - almost six months and here we are still not dealing well with it at all.  Its hard to not feel like we sold out and made the wrong choice, just for a paycheck.  But in all essence of the situation, I guess that is what we did.  That stings a bit.  I am not even sure where we stand on any of this because its just a blur most days.  We just are in the motions and not doing much else from day to day, week to week.  We do try to get out and we've seen new things.  But the "newness" and novelty of it all has worn off long ago.  I feel a bit like we are stuck in a Twilight Zone episode, for lack of a better comparison.  Nothing changes here, every thing is stagnant.  The neighborhood even feels somewhat like its Zone worthy.  I know I am exaggerating.  There is a lot that would help make things easier to transition, but we don't know anyone and don't really have ways to "make friends" either.  Its not like we can just go out all the time, since once again there isn't anyone to watch the boys. But we do what we can to at least make this bearable.  Next weekend should be a lot of fun and a good distraction with Halloween.  I hope it can be a fun one for the boys this year, as well.  Let's hope.

What's your conspiracy?

Now I am not meaning really the hardcore, paranoid conspiracy theorists.  But doesn't everyone have something that the question in life, something that might seem "shady?" 

We have been watching the new show, Person of Interest.  And it raises a lot of questions about our post-911 country, maybe world.  But in a different light.  I keep thinking about how some paranoid people, or conspiracy theorists, might have a field day with this show.  But it also brings to the forefront some of the things, mostly from the past, that just make me go "Hmmm..."  There's always something that makes you wonder, isn't there?  Something that intrigues the parts of your brain to want to know more, learn more, educate yourself more.  Isn't that a part of being human, to question and to always be gaining more knowledge about the universe around you? 

So my question to you...What "conspiracy" is ringing the doorbell on your mind? Hmmm...

Miserably sick

...is exactly how I feel.  Its going on two and half days now, and I am not quite seeing the horizon on this yet. Its truly kicking my rear and I just wish I could find some relief.  Our youngest seems to be sick as well, which always breaks my heart when the kiddos are sick.  I hope that is just passes quickly and we can return to regular daily life.  Being sick always puts a halt on everything going on around here, from housework to just daily enjoyment. I can barely move without feeling horrible and miserable.  Rest as much as we can, and hopefully we will be on mend in no time.

Moments like these

I was singing to my kiddo tonight at bedtime when this song came on, and the tears flowed.  Its hits on the heartstrings for many reasons for me:

When I get where I'm going
on the far side of the sky.
The first thing that I'm gonna do
Is spread my wings and fly.

I'm gonna land beside a lion,
and run my fingers through his mane.
Or I might find out what it's like
To ride a drop of rain

Yeah when I get where I'm going,
there'll be only happy tears.
I will shed the sins and struggles,
I have carried all these years.
And I'll leave my heart wide open,
I will love and have no fear.
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
Don't cry for me down here.

I'm gonna walk with my granddaddy,
and he'll match me step for step,
and I'll tell him how I missed him,
every minute since he left.
Then I'll hug his neck.

So much pain and so much darkness,
in this world we stumble through.
All these questions, I can't answer,
so much work to do.

But when I get where I'm going,
and I see my Maker's face.
I'll stand forever in the light,
of His amazing grace.
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
Oh, when I get where I'm going,
there'll be only happy tears.
Hallelujah!
I will love and have no fear.
When I get where I'm going.
Yeah when I get where I'm going.

Scare

Last night/this morning (not quite sure of the hour), I was woken suddenly by an asthma attack.  And not a small one either.  It was intense and scared me a lot.  I was startled by not being able to breathe and then gasped and wheezed through it.  The part that made it so hard is that I don't wake up well when startled awake.  It takes me some time to come to a full consciousness and completely aware of the reality vs. dreaming.  And I was already in a dreaming sleep, so this made it an scary experience that I really hope I never experience like that again.  Any time I have an attack like that, I also go into panic mode (and vice versa) which causes an anxiety attack.  I am not sure which caused whichlast night, but by the end of it all I realized I had both.  The world closes in on me during both asthma and panic attacks, things go black sometimes and I feel disconnected.  Not something fun at any time of the day but sure as hell not in the middle of the night while asleep. I am hoping for a much better night and an easier sleep.

A day

And that's about all I can say about it. I just have been feeling off the past few days and today I woke up already exhausted.  I am apparently back to not sleeping so well. Its not the insomnia because I can fall asleep just fine, its just not good sleep. Hopefully I can get out of this and back on track soon.  Its hard when all you feel like you need is a full day of sleep, and yet you cannot do that due to obvious parental responsibilities.  I cannot wait to have my support system back.  It really does take a village, I guess.

On the unproductive front, we are caught up and getting caught up on our top two shows. Both shows have so much going on at once - - so dynamic and thought provoking.  They really suck you in.  I should be back into the Best Picture game here in a week or so once we are done with catching up.  Slumdog Millionaire is next on the list.  Again, not really too interest, but it has to be better than The Hurt Locker. Oh how I hope so.

It must be time to head to bed because I completely got distracted and almost didn't finish this. 2 minutes to spare...at least it made it in.

Honesty

Okay, so after four attempts at The Hurt Locker, I just couldn't do it.  I got about halfway through.  I just could not get through how slow it moved and really just not feeling the subject matter.  Other than the extreme realism, I am not sure why it won Best Picture from the Academy.  But then, it wasn't a great year for Best Picture nominees that year either. 

Good news - almost ALL but about 6 Best Picture winners are now available on Netflix.  Including Wings which is the very first winner that I was having a hard time finding. Yay.

I am taking a break from this project though at least for a week or so, as we are trying to catch up on FRINGE. We have six episodes left of season 2 before getting season 3 and then are only a couple episodes behind this season.  With watching 4 episodes a night, we should push through this quite well.  Its such an intriguing, well written show that makes you think while watching it.  I enjoy having to engage my brain while watching television shows and films, instead of the inactive monotony of vegging out.  This goes for all art forms really.

Another month

Yep its October and all that really means is we've been here that much longer than we would like. I never would have expected this move to have affected so many in the way it has, including ourselves.

Video chatted with the besties today. And saying bye tonight hit harder than ever for some reason. There were tears on both sides.  Tears now for that matter.  I have been homesick before, years ago.  But now this just hurts more as it is having an impact upon so many others that we care about.  We are at a point that we are near counting months, weeks, and days until we hope to move back.  We are grateful for what we have, for the help we have received here, but that is all just small aspects of the bigger picture. We are not happy and neither are our friends and family.  Hopefully the next few months fly by fast. I need to see my friends. I need to hug my mom. I need a little bit of home.

Love for Cara and Timmy

New week

The idea of blogging has been hard as its been one thing or another. Sad news. Frustrating news. No news. And it goes on and on.  So its a new week. I am back to the grind. And back on track here as well.  Today/tonight I will start back in my Oscar Best Picture movies with The Hurt Locker. I am not thrilled to actually watch this movie, but a goal is a goal and there are no short cuts.  So I will bear through it and hopefully be surprised a bit as well.  Maybe I'll enjoy it more than I expect. Who knows. 

I'm getting a bit excited for our "busy season."  We have at least one, if not two, visitors coming next month. Halloween at the end of the month (yay!). Another birthday a couple weeks later. And then THANKSGIVING! And our visit to Vegas. This time better go fast because I cannot wait to get my feet on Vegas' lack of good soil again. This just is not working out for us.  I will be glad when I can start a countdown instead of the count up. Dallas isn't cut out for me and I'm not cut out for Dallas.  Just not my speed. I'm ready for the change...which is still a ways off, but somewhere out in the very far off horizon.

So much for that

Things were looking up and seeming like we could start making some real plans for the next few months.  And its all sort of cracked and started shattering the last couple of days.  Its annoying and ridiculous.  Let's hope some of this is a quick fix and we can get back on track.  It is annoying it when our plans get derailed.

Dropped the ball

Talk about not sticking to a goal.  I have seriously dropped the ball on the blogging this last week.  Not a good thing. I really wanted to keep up with this and hopefully get it up to posting daily.  I guess I've been in a bit of a funk or maybe a wee bit o' writers block.  I don't want this to be the usual boring blog of not a whole lot going on, but it has somewhat become that.  Not my intentions, but I need to spend more time on it.  I need to freshen it up and also find some fresh ideas.  I want this to be fun, not a task that I realize I haven't done at 11:30pm at night and have to rush to the computer to get it in.  I think I have lost a bit of focus on why I was doing this in the first place.  So this calls for some hard thinking, contemplation, and a better commitment - - like I had when I started this whole journey.  Hopefully I can get back into this and bring something better next time.

Whirlwind and Thought Processes

The last few days have been a whirlwind of non-stop on the go.  We finally received some money we were waiting on, so its been a lot of essentials that we have been out getting and making sure things were taken care of.  On top of that, we are also car hunting.  No luck there yet.  But it has been quite nice to be able to do some things that we normally wouldn't be able to do, as well.

So someone asked a thought provoking question, on a message board I am a member of, that has had me constantly thinking.

"If you had a talk show, what would your first show subject be?"

And this is something I have never thought about, but immediately I knew it would be Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness.  I started thinking logistics, segments of the show, even a celebrity guest (Lisa Ling) who is an advocate for the cause.  It really hit me hard how beyond important this issue truly is to me and how heavy it weighs on my heart.  I think I want to start finding ways to help educate people about miscarriage, stillbirths, and infant loss.  As my mom had mentioned a few weeks ago, it has always been a higher percentage than most people realize AND yet is still a very taboo topic that so many still try to brush under the rug or hide in the darkest corners of the closets.  Its about time we spoke out already.  Children deserve someone to speak up for them when they themselves never get the chance.  Now if only I had a talk show. Hmm.

About Time

Well its been a really good past couple of days.  Lots of plans in the makings and feeling really good about things.  Hopefully everything stays on this up and up path.  We need it.

Short post. Feeling ill tonight and just cannot focus.  Hope its a good weekend for all.

Not shocked at all

We watched the Republican Presidential Candidates Debate on MSNBC this evening.  And while I am a card carrying Non-Partisan (and happy to be so), tonight solidified my feelings that the GOP is headed in a horrible direction if it continues on its current path.  There was a lot of word vomit, several trainwrecks, false accusations, and just plain uneducated statements parading on that stage.  While I currently agree much more with Democrat candidates and politics at this current time, there have been plenty of wonderful Republican politicians in U.S. history (and plenty awful Democrat ones for that matter).  Yet, what is happening to the present GOP politics is just shameful.  I truly do believe that the majority of this is due to the further and further from center their ideas and platforms get.  The more Tea Party politics become a "Republican" ideal, the worse off the GOP appears.  The Tea Party is getting a free ride on the Republican ticket right now, which I truly feel is wrong and inappropriate.  If you want to be a "party" then do so.  Stand up and own it.  Be what you really are.  Break through the current two party system instead of riding on the Republican name when you are so far right from even the best Republican's conservative politics. 

I try not to post a lot on politics as I typically keep that between myself, the husband, and close friends.  This evening was just such a joke for me.  It was helpful to see which candidates are going to have a chance as the campaign goes on longer, but that really is about it for me.  I just got to know more likely which one of two names that I will not be digitally punching come next November.  But no surprise there either.

Good day

Today was a nice, relaxing, family day. 

I made a new schedule for the boys, and today was the first day that we got to really follow it.  It felt really good and we also got some school work in for my four year old. 

And the husband and I finally got to get into the garage to rearrange, move, uncover, and find where some of our belonging have been hidden/boxed up.  We had a goal to move and rearrange a little bit in there.  So mission accomplished...for the time being.

So really a not very thought provoking post today, but its time to relax and hopefully soon find sleepyland. Three day weekend is officially over.

Lessons

One of my plans for this evening (or maybe during nap time) is to work out some solid lesson plans for the boys for the next month.  I need to get into my fall decor as well and hopefully get some of that out for the lessons.  I am going with a fall theme for now and with incorporate other things along the way as well.

I am not sure how well we will stick to everything daily, but I really want to try and get more serious about this. 

On top of all that, I am also working on potty boot camp with our youngest.  Its been trying thus far but hopefully we'll continue to make some progress there as well.

Nothing big planned for the week but hopefully some good starts on many other things I am trying to get done with being at home with the boys.

Four Months

Well if nothing else, at least this last month really flew by.  Four months here in Texas and still feel like a tourist...and exiled tourist.  We are making plans and trying to get a lot of things in order for ourselves though.  I have a busy week of phone calls and research a head of me.  Hopefully the husband can find out some good news as well.  I need to make myself a list just to make sure I have everything in order and know where I am at with it all.  I am an organized planner.  I feel at peace with decisions and goals and life in general when I have ample time to plan and plan thoroughly.  This means making back up plans and extra options as well.  Yes, I over plan.  And I feel much moreat ease with situations this way.  My anxiety is lower and my general happiness is higher, if I am give n the right amount of time to deal with a situation.

Tomorrow is some working and rearranging in the garage.  And as I was just informed, "cooler" weather for once.  Something below 100 degrees is nice enough, but supposedly the high will only hit 90.  I am quite okay with that.  The humidity is definitely making it feel hotter here than it ever did in Tennessee.  Its not something I was prepared for and I could definitely do without it as well.  I cannot wait for fall and being able to just load the boys into the stroller and walk.  I need to be walking but these summer temps have just been unbearable for me.  I'll be glad to see the cooler days coming.

You don't look sick

This keeps coming up recently about how so many people just judge others with this whole "Well you don't look ill" load of b.s.  And its got me thinking, especially as I sit here feeling quite ill at the moment.  There are so many people out there way worse off than I am even, and still look quite healthy and happy.  Its all in the attitude for one and how you approach life and your illness(es).  Chronic diseases and disorders are all too often "hidden" ailments.  Allergies, Asthma, Crohn's, Diabetes, PCOS, depression, blood disorders, etc...the list goes on and on.  I have several different things that I deal with just on a daily basis, usually not debilitating but still there none the less.  I even have two very different blood issues that can cause some major problems when it comes time for surgeries and such.  I never though I'd be one of those people checking the box "Blood Transfusion".  And here I am six transfusions later.  And that's just the beginning of it all.  I'm not here to list off all my conditions or for a pity party.  All that I have been through has made me who I am today, and despite it all, I am proud to be here still.  To be able to stand up for others who may be too weak or ill to do so.  Its one of my passions in life, to fight for those who are unable to fight for themselves.

But back to the attitude and outlook of it all.  Some of the "sickest" people I know are also some of the most "wealthy in life" people as well.  They persevere through it all as strong, happy individuals and make the absolute best of their situations.  Some of them just young children.  Its hard dealing with lifetime disease and managing the pain and stress that comes with it, so please remember that just because someone looks great doesn't mean they don't have their own personal struggles going on.  Educate yourself and others to understand chronic disease. I am a big advocate for this.  Judging before knowing the details is always one of my biggest pet peeves.

And for those of you living with these diseases and disorders, remember you are still amazing and wonderful through it all.  Be strong.  You can do it.  Be an advocate for yourself and others dealing with the same circumstances.  You are amazingly wonderful inside and out.  You may be sick, but you can be anything you want in life...you are you and there is nothing better to be in this world.

Support links and references:
http://alwayssick.com/

http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/

And I will leave you with one of my favorite songs currently:

"I wouldn't wanna be anybody else.
You made me insecure
Told me I wasn’t good enough
But who are you to judge
When you’re a diamond in the rough
I’m sure you got some things
You’d like to change about yourself
But when it comes to me
I wouldn’t want to be anybody else

Na na na
Na na na

I’m no beauty queen
I’m just beautiful me

Na na na
Na na na

You’ve got every right
To a beautiful life
C'mon
Who says
Who says you’re not perfect
Who says you’re not worth it
Who says you’re the only one that’s hurting
Trust me
That’s the price of beauty
Who says you’re not pretty
Who says you’re not beautiful
Who says
It’s such a funny thing
How nothing’s funny when it’s you
You tell ‘em what you mean
But they keep whiting out the truth
It’s like a work of art
That never gets to see the light
Keep you beneath the stars
Won’t let you touch the sky

Na na na
Na na na

I’m no beauty queen
I’m just beautiful me

Na na na
Na na na

You’ve got every right
To a beautiful life
C'mon
Who says
Who says you’re not perfect
Who says you’re not worth it
Who says you’re the only one that’s hurting
Trust me
That’s the price of beauty
Who says you’re not pretty
Who says you’re not beautiful
Who says
Who says you’re not star potential
Who says you’re not presidential
Who says you can’t be in movies
Listen to me, listen to me
Who says you don’t pass the test
Who says you can’t be the best
Who said, who said
Won’t you tell me who said that
Yeah, oh
Who says
Who says you’re not perfect
Who says you’re not worth it
Who says you’re the only one that’s hurting
Trust me
That’s the price of beauty
Who says you’re not pretty
Who says you’re not beautiful"

Where'd it go?

“The story of life is quicker then the blink of an eye, the story of love is hello, goodbye.” - Jimi Hendrix


Tomorrow is our youngest son's birthday.  He will be two years old.  I cannot believe its been that long already that our family grew a little bigger with this amazing little guy.  He is, what my doctor calls, our miracle baby.  We went through a lot emotionally together, and myself physically, to have him here with us.  Motherhood isn't all that I had imagined or hoped...its so much more.  All four of my babies hold a special place in my heart.  Each one brings something different to the dynamics of our unconventional family.  Its hard trying to explain our girls to outsiders when we say we are a family of six or that we have four children.  They see four people, or just the two boys.  But our girls are forever a part of our family.  They are my daughters and always will be.  I am a mom of four and very proud of it.


It seems like a lifetime ago and yet just yesterday that we completed our family. So much has happened and/or changed since September 2009.  I hope we have some more changes for the good over the next year (and years to come).  We are definitely on an adventure ride with life and these silly, crazy boys of ours.  I love it even through hard times and challenges.  Its my life and I do love it/

3 minutes and counting

I almost nearly didn't get this blog out in time.

So the inlaws are on their way back to Michigan early in the morning.  Tonight we did a little celebration/party/dinner thing for my kiddo's 2nd birthday (which is on Thursday).  Pizza, cupcakes, and a few presents.  He had a lot of fun.  I mostly am just exhausted from the last five days. What craziness.  It was nice to have people in to visit, but I am thankful that today was the last day.  Just tiring and hectic at times.  The rest of his birthday celebrating will happen on his actual day.

Tonight we were able to video chat with our besties.  I had a few times where I could feel I was starting to tear up.  Saying I miss them would be more than an understatement.  I truly cannot convey in words how my heart feels empty in many ways without them, and without a few others as well.  I forgot how much of a hard time I was having here.  I've been just moving along through the steps and not really working through all of this.  There has been just a complacency that has filled the void.  I need to get more active to try to enjoy what time we have here.  But I do really hope that the amount of time left isn't very long.  I'm realizing more and more that while it was the right move at the moment, its not the permanent right move for us.  We have to start making the effort to plan what we can do to get us back there.  Our families, friends, and lives are waiting for us (and sometimes begging us) to come home.  Some of them truly are in need of our help even.  I can't ignore this type of thing.  Family comes first.  We have to start making the arrangements and plans and details work out in order for moving back to be a possibility.  Because right now, I do not know if we have any other choice.  Not a healthy or productive one anyways.

I've felt it before, but I know I can say it without a shadow of doubt that I am homesick.

What a weekend...

And we still have tomorrow to get through.  I think this is the most we have ever eaten out in this short amount of time ever.  I am certain I've gained weight from it.  Certain I will be getting back into my exercise routine come Monday.  Not that I didn't need to do that anyways, but this helps the motivation.  It was a long day, but good for the most part.  A few snags here and there but good nonetheless.  I try to have fun even when others are trying to bring everyone else down.  Its been nice to have the distraction of visitors for the last few days at least.  Tomorrow is the in-laws last full day here so we are doing a birthday dinner with cake for my little (big) guy.

I cannot believe that in just a few short days, we will have a two year old! Time has just flown by in the blink of an eye.  I wish I could just go back and cherish every single second that much more.  He's our little NICU guy and now here he is all Mr. Two with Attitude already.  Love what he brings to our little family.  Its so amazing to see our sons growing up and growing together.  I just have days where I wish they'd do all that just a little slower please.  No more baby in either of them that is for sure. 

Our four year old will be starting preschool classes on the 9th of next month.  Crazy.  I know like a silly emotional mommy I will cry.  I just am that mom.  He's so intelligent and thoughtful and an amazing little guy as well.  He's a handful some days, but such a great little kid.  I asked him if he could just stop growing up now for Mommy and he told me. "No. I have to get bigger!"  He sure does.  But that still doesn't make it any less hard for this mommy.  Love him so very much too. 

I don't know where I'd be without my family and my little guys.  We've been through a lot in the past several years, and both of our boys have truly helped us cope through the struggles in ways they will never understand.  The life, laugh, and smile of a child does absolutely amazing things for the soul.


We worry about what a child will become tomorrow, yet we forget that he is someone today.  ~Stacia Tauscher

I brought children into this dark world because it needed the light that only a child can bring.  ~Liz Armbruster

Boy, n.:  a noise with dirt on it.  ~Not Your Average Dictionary

Sick

I feel like major crud right now.  My throat is very sore but also just feels nasty inside.  Hard to explain it but I feel horrible.

The inlaws are in town right now and we've been out and about the last couple of nights.  Tomorrow I hope to accomplish both getting preschool class information and also two year birthday stuff for each of the boys, respectfully.  Hopefully I have good luck on more fronts there.

Not much else to report really tonight, especially since I'm just too sick to think deeply about a post at the moment.  Hopefully tomorrow brings a better day.

Moving right along

The AC is fixed. Thank goodness. 

I then had issues with the cable company ALL day today.  But now that is also fixed.  Again, thank goodness.  Its just been one thing after another around here.  I think I've had all I can take of that.  The in-laws are on their way down to visit with us as I type this (well hopefully they have stopped for the night).  The boys will really enjoy it and hopefully we can get out of the house more for a few days.  Not sure what all plans they have. 

I am currently working on the husband's family genealogy.  Genealogy and heritage really fascinate me.  I want to make sure our children know where they come from and as much detail as we can find out.  I want stories to be passed on.  While we live in the time of technology, I do not want family stories and heritage to get lost in the cobwebs of time.  I can only get so far without having to start paying for services, but I think it might be time to start doing that as well.  I get excited with each new tidbit that I find.  I cannot wait to start piecing it all together even more.

The kicker

So our AC went out early this evening right around dinner time.  Its been a pretty rough night.  Tomorrow they are supposed to be coming out to take a look at it and fix the problem.  Or they better darn well be doing something.  We are all dripping in sweat. The animals look pitifully miserable.  And I am now battling a migraine and asthma issues. Fan-flippin-tastic.  We are most likely heading out somewhere, anywhere, with AC for the day tomorrow while things are getting fixed.  This just is going to be a horrible night to get through though. 

On a side note though, we have started discussing some things about the next year or so.  I am really just wanting to keep an open mind about our plans and see where it goes.  I know what my current verdict would be if we had to make choices right now, but we have a lot to figure out before we have to decide.  Hopefully this will help us in getting some things done here in Dallas that we need to do as well, financially and otherwise.  There is a lot going on all at once, but I am feeling better and more confident currently that I have in a couple of months.

Defining the moment

Exile means to be away from one's home (i.e. city, state or country), while either being explicitly refused permission to return and/or being threatened with imprisonment or death upon return. It can be a form of punishment. - "Exile", Wikipedia  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Exile


ex·ile [eg-zahyl, ek-sahyl] noun, verb, -iled, -il·ing.
noun
1. expulsion from one's native land by authoritative decree.
2. the fact or state of such expulsion: to live in exile.
3. a person banished from his or her native land.
4. prolonged separation from one's country or home, as by force of circumstances: wartime exile.
5. anyone separated from his or her country or home voluntarily or by force of circumstances.

"Force of circumstances."  So for us that "force" would be that our choice was to either live homeless (as we had just moved out of our current home and were staying with family) AND unemployed (my part time job excluded here), or move against our desires in order to keep both employment and a home.  Its those hard choices that come with being an adult.  Yet, I don't think I should have to like these choices either.  We have responsibilities to take care of, obviously, but still I feel like life would somehow feel easier being within the same city as our support system. 

I'll be completely honest.  I am ready to go home.  We have 8 1/2 months before that is really even a possibility...and not even sure how possible it will be just yet.

What day is it?

This week is even slower than last. Sheesh.  Not that we have plans for any day this weekend or that we have a way to even do anything, but still the slower the weeks move, the longer it feels like we've been here. 

What I really need to put my focus and energy into is the two year old birthday we have coming up in two weeks. Nothing planned at all.  So not like us...or me at least.  I'm a planner.  And  I sure have not done well at planning anything since we've moved.  I need to figure out what our "theme" is this year at least for a cake, even if its just us at home. 

My posts are getting shorter and shorter.  I should spend more time really coming up with better blogging subjects.  And this is why I am not a writer.

Relief

I have started on a melatonin/herbal supplement.  WOW!  One night and already I can deal the difference.  Sleep was actually restful, even if short.  I am already about to drift off to sleep again after tonight's dose.  Seriously, I cannot remember the last time that I drifted off to sleep instead of major crashing from sleep deprivation or forcing myself to sleep after hours and hours of just laying there.  Finally.  Something that is working for me.  I need this so badly and am really happy that it works thus far. 

There are 16 days until we officially have a two year old on our hands.  I don't even know how to comprehend that just yet.  I still feel like we just brought him home from the hospital.  I bet I cry on his birthday.  Yes, I am that mom.  These last two years have been so crazy and whirlwind!  I cannot believe by the end of the year, the boys will be two years old and five years old.  It happens all so quickly.

The emotions are starting to roll in, so I am pretty sure that means I need to go to sleep.  Aaah the restfulness of slumberland, how I have missed thee....zzzzzzzzzzzzz

30 minutes left

The days get away from me and I have forgotten to blog the past few days.

I have my first full blown ear infection since I was probably a small child.  Its painful.  I don't know how kids do it.  I have a high threshold for pain and I have been near tears for two days already.  I have taken it easy, so hopefully some more rest tonight will help things along.  I really hope it doesn't last much longer.  One of the boys is sick too.  Not sure what is going on, but he has had an on and off slight fever all day.  Hope tomorrow is much better for all of us.

I could use a better day for sure.

Out and about

So we finally got out to one of the mommy group play date events.  And we all had a blast!  It was nice to meet some other moms and get some adult interaction.  And the boys made some new friends.  Yay.  After the meet up, we checked out one of the area malls.  It was, so far, the nicest one we have been to out here.  Hopefully we will get more time to check it out again. 

My insomnia is getting the best of me.  Isn't that what insomnia does?  While I had a good time today, I am feeling horrible.  The day after no sleep nights, I feel like I use to when I would be out all night drinking.  Dehydrated, sore, foggy, drained, and just plan gross.  I have to start looking into supplements and other possible remedies/treatments for this.  I cannot keep going on like this. I am not functioning well at this point, which really isn't a good thing being the at-home parent.  I need to get a hold of the reins on this.  I am so over not sleeping and feeling like a zombie all the time.

Difficulty

I am having the hardest time finding preschool options right now.  Both boys are ahead as it is. With our oldest son's birthday late in the year, he really gets the shaft on getting into school early. The school district we currently live in apparently isn't that great. All the private schools are ridiculous in pricing, and there are not public programs here like there were back in Vegas.  I'm frustrated and really upset that we cannot get them into school early like we have always planned.  Its really beginning to get to me.  They need the social interaction more than anything else.  Its times like this that make me feel bad because all our plans just get thrown out the window.  And times like this that just make me want to head back to Vegas as soon as we can.  Which is just not a viable option at the moment.

Champagne would fall from the heavens...

or at least confetti from the sky.  Neither of which has happened to commemorate our 100th day here in Texas.  And I'm really not celebrating either.  I am so over the whole ordeal really.  Just trying to get the things done that we want to get done and move on from there.  We have had a few obstacles and unforeseen things hinder a lot of our plans. This has contributed to the ever growing desire to not be here.  I just wish I knew how to really get motivated again and get done what needs to be done.

A whole lotta...nada

I am not even sure where this day went, as we literally did absolutely nothing all day.  One kiddo was sick as the day started, and so it really just became a lazy day for all of us at home. 

Due to the recommendation of someone, I have started a new HBO miniseries - Mildred Pierce.  I enjoy Kate Winslet and she isn't disappointing at all in this either.  Its a good "strong woman" overcoming adversity movie thus far.  Of course, I am only in the first episode, but I am sure it will continue to be just as good.  Its also a period piece of the 1930s, another thing I really enjoy as well.  The costuming, sets, everything is done very nicely.  I wish I could walk in heels as much as the women back then did. I wish I was a better housewife for that matter some days. So much as been lost in the decades since the 1950s that is for sure.  While I am not saying I want to be stuck at home being the "little wife", I do wish I was just better at taking care of our home.  I lack the energy most days to get everything done that needs to be done.  And I feel bad for that.  Kate Winslet's character spent a day just baking all day.  Oh wouldn't that be nice.  Not realistic, but nice.  I do feel that some of my lack of motivation also is due to the convenience of modern technology.  I need to have a technology "detox" and soon.

Best weekend since April

Due to unforeseen circumstances, family got to stay here a little longer than expected.  And its been thoroughly enjoyable.  Although we haven't been able to do a whole lot, we have had a good time.  They are leaving in a couple of hours and will be back on the road back to Las Vegas.  Its been a good visit.  Hopefully this will be the start of a round of visits and our trips back for us as well.

I am really hoping to start working on some of our personal goals (not necessarily Day Zero) that we had set and talked about before moving here.  We have a lot on our plate, and we have a lot to take care of at this point.  We have been in a rut since getting here and its really not helping us out one bit.  I need to get my act together and actually do something.  I was much more optimistic when I got here than I am now. I need to fix that.

We are really hoping that this week might bring a bit of a change that will help us.  I'd say only time will tell, but we've been waiting on it for months now.  Let's hope this is our week.

Anti-climactic

For what has felt like the longest week ever, that was supposed to lead up to some fun and highlights of our "stay" here in Dallas thus far, has turned into really not much different than any other weekend.  Due to understandable circumstances, a fellow mommy was not able to make it over yesterday and I completely understand.  I was looking forward to getting to meet some new people, but it will happen in due time.  The rest of it all though really just has lead up to a whole lot of nada at the moment.  We are still "waiting" but no longer hoping for some incoming finances that should have come our way two weeks ago now (if not months before).  And our guests aren't making as good as time as was hoped, so our time with them will be cut extremely short.  Its just par for the course really, but nonetheless makes this the most anti-climactic weekend since we moved.  Sort of like a Tom Cruise movie...or a Michael Bay movie...a whole lot of hype and build up for something that, at the very best, will be a mediocre waste of anticipation and time.

Boring thus far

So we are now a couple days into our fourth month here.  And a whole lot of nothing is going on really.  Not that I am expecting excitement and thrills.  Just an observation that we are in this "rut" of not really anything going on and not a whole lot changing at the moment.  Other than the impressive for Texas heat....that is not so impressive for someone from Las Vegas.

I said a while ago I wanted to fix the look of this blog, and yet nothing there yet either.  I need to really find the time and patience to actually do that.  And maybe someone more knowledgeable to help guide me through it, too.  Its so blah and not pleasing to the eye currently.  I must fix that.

The weekend is finally within site.  Its been such a looong first week of August.  We have some family stopping by this weekend, and I am almost certain this will be the highlight of the last three months for us.  Sad but true.  It will be a good time, and far too short.  But at least we will get to see some family and the boys will get to hang out with their best buddies!  Now its just getting through the next two days until they get here. 

And then its just convincing other people to come see us, too!

New project

I have a new goal/project that I am hoping to work on each day.  I can't talk to many details since I know I have friends that read this, but hopefully it will spread a little "sunshine" around to those I know.  I love starting things like this.  It makes me happy. 

I am going soooo slow on the movie goal though.  Same as the book goal.  At this rate, I will never read enough books by my goal date.  But I will certainly try my best.  I also have a lot of movies to get cranked out here.  I am not sure that I am looking forward to The Hurt Locker.  Obviously it won the attention of The Academy but I am not a big war movie fan to begin with, so I don't know how I feel about this one.  But its the next movie in line.  So that means I need to get cracking on watching Black Swan since that it just the movie I currently have in my possession from Netflix.  I need to see how many of these films Netflix has.  I know I have a few on my instant streaming, but those are some older ones that I have awhile until I get to them.  I will get there.

I am pretty hopeful for this weekend, it should at least give us all a moment of pick me up and a refresher.  And then after that I really am going to try to make a better effort at being happy here.  A friend and former coworker of mine posted this on Facebook -
         "Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections."

Wow! I think that could have been written/said right at me! Sheesh.  Guess its time to get the act together and start actually coping instead of moping.

Across the 2nd Dimension

Some days I feel stuck in the 2nd dimension.  I feel like we are just walking through the steps right now and not really getting to do much else.  We are in "time out" right now.  That's how it feels being here.  I know that is so absolutely negative, but I've tried...truly I am trying every day...to just be okay with where we are for now.  And its not working.  Exile is exile no matter how you look at it.  Dramatic? Eh, probably.  But than if that is how you think I am reacting (or over-reacting), just use my schooling as an excuse.  I know a lot of this has to do with being sort of "stuck" with not having a vehicle or way to get out to meet people.  As much as I'm all for the bus and the train system here, the heat is so overbearing right now that I cannot be out alone with the boys in this.  There's no way I would do that.  I guess I just want to feel better and I don't know how to do that.  But hopefully this weekend will bring a little pick-me-up.  Ha! Its only the end of Monday, and I'm already talking about the weekend.  See...told you.

Weekend is gone...

Well just about anyways.  And its been a bit productive and a bit lazy all at the same time.  I've been trying to get cleaning done and some organizing.  Still not sure if there is a "surprise" in our future this week...or even two of them.  Hoping so, but only time will tell.

Other than the cleaning, it really has been a very lazy weekend, without really going anywhere or doing anything (other than a little grocery shopping this afternoon).  We are about to end our third month here.  And yet, we are still very much packed in the garage and not quite situated the way we want to be inside the house.  We've got to get this under control.  One major problem of this is that it is so darn hot and humid during the day that more than five minutes in the garage is quite horrendous.  Yet, there is something wrong with the light socket and it keeps blowing light bulbs, hence why we cannot work in there at night either - - no light to see anything.  So for now, most of the unpacking and organizing must wait until the temps cool down a bit.  And then maybe we can pull of a fall garage sale while we are at it.  Hopefully.

I guess one more month down here just means one more month closer to visiting Vegas.  Which truthfully is about one of the few things I look forward to on a day to day basis.

Anticipation

There is no terror in a bang, only in the anticipation of it  ~Alfred Hitchcock 

There is a lot of it going around right now.  There are a few things we are waiting on or waiting to happen.  Anticipation drives me absolutely nuts!  Like the quote above, its not the actual event/thing/action/etc that has all the emotion with it, its the anticipation of said thing.  I'm trying to keep my cool and not stress.  But if you know me, that is a very hard thing to do.  I'm also not good and pretending to be surprised either, and that inevitably will play a part in at least one of the upcoming things.

I'm a bit shaky today due to all of this.  I am trying to find my core, my center just to find a calming point and some peace.  I think there is a need for some yoga today.

Early morning post

I really should have written here yesterday.  It truly was due to an overwhelming laziness on my part.

So far...no good news on the waiting game yet.  Disappointing, frustrating, and just plain annoying at this point. 

I am not a fan of bureaucratic bullsh*t red tape.  It just causes so much grief for the "little person."  I also have stopped keeping up with what is going on with the whole debt crisis.  We've been in our own debt crisis since 2008, so I guess I'm just tired of hearing about it.  Its not that I don't care...I just am tired of all the bickering and moaning and groaning.  If that makes me a horrible person, so be it I guess.  I believe in the government helping its people, and while some leaders are trying so many others are just trying to stifle the attempts.  Its disheartening at the very least.  Hopefully there are some answers out there.  For the sake of the people.

Disappointing

I hate waiting.  And each day that we are having to wait, it makes it that much more of a disappointing day.  We have a lot hanging on this "news", and it would be appreciative by all in my family, I am sure, if everything would just come through already.

In the mean time, its been a loooong day.  A bit of cleaning and a ton of laundry.  Oh so exciting, huh? 

I think I need to revisit my goal list a lot more, I'm beginning to forget what all is even on there.  Although, I did inform the husband of what his deadline is to teach my to drive a stick shift.  Hmm...of course, my license is the first priority.  That is the absolute one thing in my life that makes me feel so...well "loser-ish."  I just feel lame.  Sounds so silly that one little status symbol item would get me down so often, but it does.  Without it, I suffer badly the affects of cabin fever and lose out on a lot of things to do.  So the end of this year, it is one of my goals during my visit back in Vegas.  I think that would make the best Christmas present actually.  I'd be one very happy girl.

Truckin' along

So yesterday was a disappointing bust...sort of.  Some things were confirmed but confirmation surely didn't put it in our hands.  Thus began the waiting game...and we are still waiting.  Hopefully by Monday morning, we will have much better news.

I did finally finish The King's Speech on Thursday night.  WOW!  Beautiful. Stunning. Amazing acting.  It was just a delightful piece of cinema.  I am so glad I decided to do this "challenge" of a goal and to start backwards.  I hope I can get through a lot more of these quickly.  1 down, 82 more to go! Whoa! That's a lot! I've seen a majority of them, but will still be re-watching for the sake of completion of my goal.  There are plenty on the list that I dread though.  Films that I will never understand how they won a Best Picture.  But I am approaching this as I would any film from my Film Studies courses - as a film critic, as a student and with an open mind.

I think I shall dub this "The Lazy Weekend"...that shouldn't need much explanation of what our plans are - - a whole lot of nothing.

Fingers crossed

Again I'm not ready to let the cat out of the bag, in case I jinx it, but I am holding out for some good news tomorrow. 

Its been a really good day. The iron seems to be kicking in already. I've felt so much better all day.  Better feeling and better mood.  Such a simple solution for something that has been causing a lot of issues.  I'm just glad its helping.

Tonight is the night!  I finally am finishing the movie and will be back on track with my goals. I love a good film.  A dream occupation would to be a film critic. Something to think about. 

Good news is...

euphoric to me these days!  We got some potentially great news today...we'll know more on Friday.

And to top it all off, I got the replacement disc of The King's Speech today.  Cannot wait to get back to it tonight. 

Then DH walked in the door with my favorite candy bar when he got home from work.

Despite my utter exhaustion and lack of motivation today, I would consider it a very good day!

This makes sense

So I have had zero energy for awhile now.  Housework, working out, my weight, everything really has suffered from it.  Yet, I am not sure why I didn't think of the problem sooner.  I have iron deficiency anemia.  This is something I've known now for 9 years.  Wow. I can't believe its been that long.  Anyways, I digress...

I got this in an email today :
http://www.dailyspark.com/blog.asp?post=the_weight_loss_key_you_may_be_missing

While I do not have any known thyroid issues, everything about the anemia completely makes sense to me in the article.  Like getting hit in the head with a ton of bricks, and completely feeling idiotic about it because I should of seen it coming.  This describes me perfectly - "I should have realized that feeling weak and tired or not having any stamina during exercise or being winded easily could indicate continued anemia..."

Well there you have it, folks.  And its something I should have thought of because I have had this happen time and time again.  So while yes there could have been other issues, I am almost 100% certain this is the major root of the problem.  I've been there, done that...might even have a tshirt in the back of my closet.  So, back on iron supplements, like a good girl, I will go. 

Now if only I was good at remembering to take pills...

Monday - - again.

78 days since we left Las Vegas.  And we are so not close to unpacking or even being remotely organized inside the house.  And while my plan was to work some more on this today, I have not felt good at all since waking up at the wonderful hour of 5am.  The kids were up before the sun again today, and I'm running low on the energy now that it is mid-day.  I can always hope to actually get some work done tomorrow. 

Foiled again

I will get to watch The King's Speech... eventually.  *Le sigh

Its not to due a lack of trying. I got what I would consider a teaser preview before the disc started major skipping. Hopefully I can finish it later this week with a replacement disc.  It was really well done and I was truly enjoying the film, so I am disappointed. 

Its been a mild weekend, but tomorrow we are starting back into scheduled routine for both the boys and myself. I hope it helps with some of the issues we've all had with the transition of a big move.  To get ready for it, first thing on the agenda is more sleep for me. So that's just where I am headed.

Found it!

I, with a smidgen of help from our four year old, got a tiny dent made in our garage madness today.  And the best part of all - I found exactly what the husband and I have been looking to find for quite some time.  It was nice to be able to find a lot of different items that we actually need and/or use, for once.  We have so much stuff.  I cannot wait to get serious about the major downsizing (including a yard sale).

I am crossing my fingers and hoping I get around to watching the movie tonight. 

*Short post today...I have lots of cleaning and organizing to try to do tonight.   

Almost there...

I am glad this week is coming to an end.  A bit confused where it went so quickly, but glad it is over nonetheless.  I will be very happy to see the weekend.

I have gotten to talk with one friend and one family member over the last few days. It was nice to have just daily chitchat, catching up conversations.  And great human interaction, even if it was via the phone and skype.  At least it was something. 

I have been semi-productive today with cleaning inside the house and searching the garage.  I found some more of our dishes and a few stray items that were M.I.A..  Hopefully the husband and I will have more time this evening to search the garage for other random items (and one specific item we are looking to find). 

I just realized this, but I forgot to mention that I dyed my hair again a week ago.  I am back to all brunette.  This time its a very dark brown, even more so than my normal hair color.  I love it - - A LOT.  It's a color I will probably stick with for some time.

I have not started The King's Speech yet.  Hopefully tonight or tomorrow night.  It has just been one thing or another. 

This wraps up another day...74 days for that matter.

Sick

I'm feeling very gross today. On top of what just might be pink eye (but I hope not). Trying to rest as much as one can with two very rambunctious kids.  I do miss the days that I could sleep until noon to try and feel better.

Goal #54

So while in the most recent weeks, I don't feel I have been doing so well at my Day Zero project, I am excited to get started on my Academy Award Best Picture winners tomorrow.  I will be starting at the most recent and going backwards from there.  We finally found the runaway rogue Netflix disc that I have had since Valentine's Day (oops!) and got it sent back, so now I can get back on track with my queue.  And of course, I am starting with The King's Speech. Cannot wait! I have some other highly rated/highly suggested movies high up on my queue, so hopefully I can get those in quickly as I move on to the next Oscar winning Best Picture films.

One of those

Today is one of those days I wish I could be back in Vegas. Just so I could be there for our friends.  My heart is hurting for them and with them tonight.  Bad news is never easy or fun.

Good for the mind, good for the soul

Ah yes...finally, back to go old fashioned human connections.

We got to spend some time with friends and meeting new people today. It was really nice to be around other people, other adults for that matter.  For awhile I was able to forget the hard times and rough emotional rollercoaster. It felt great talking, joking, hanging out, and making connections with these people.  I'm so glad we had the opportunity to go to the BBQ/party and have some fun.

Only hard part is now I return to reality and every day life. I know that the solitary, hermit lifestyle appeals to someone out there, but surely its not me. Granted, I am neither living in solitude or as a hermit. The point is more that the current lack of adult interaction hurts my inner core. I am a extrovert, a social butterfly,  a people person.  My soul thrives on it. My mental health depends upon it.  I need to find a way to remedy my current "ailment" because I feel I may be close to a breaking point.  Today was the most fun I have had since the move. By far, our best day yet.  This says to me, that we need to find a way to fix this and soon.

Weekend's here...

And I won't finish the Toby Keith song at that point, as we surely won't be drunk. Ha!

I'm glad this week has gone by quickly. Its just been hard emotionally for some reason.  But I'm really looking forward to some socializing tomorrow with the husband's former boss and his family, plus other people as well. It should be fun. 

I'm not doing so well with Couch to 5k. I will revisit that topic soon. I am trying to do pilates and yoga more at home but I probably need to add a cardio/aerobics somewhere during the week.  I'm pretty behind my goal so hopefully I can get back into gear.

Not much else going on for now. So here's to the weekend!

Hit like a ton of bricks

I really don't like how my anxiety just hits so hard out of nowhere.  I miss a lot of people today.  I miss the ease of getting out of the house and around to run errands or see people or...well just about anything outside.  I miss being able to pick up the phone and say, "Hey, mom, we need out sometime this week."  Most days I am okay but for someone reason out of nowhere today I felt like I got hit by a truck.  It really struck me hard and I could barely breath with the panic attack that was surely coming on.  I guess I have a long day a head of me.

Inspired

My mind is going a mile a minute in all directions right now.  I've been checking out ideas for our at-home classroom.  I cannot wait to get started on it!  I'm really excited about it all actually.  We have a small space to work with, so I am trying to come up with ideas to make the most out of what we have.  Lots of ideas, lots of fun ahead - - I hope!  The boys are truly going to LOVE this!  I have a good amount of wall to work with for now.  And if need be, we will overflow into the hallway.  I am going to start making my "want" list soon.  Small steps, but eventually I want it to be a well stocked, at home learning area.  I really love that The Pioneer Woman has a whole section on Homeschooling.  I could get addicted. 

Week...whatever

Yeah so its not that I have lost count on how long we've been here, its just that all the days mesh together for me when I'm not working or am not out of the house and more active.  I kept thinking it was Sunday all day long today.  Maybe that is partly due to the very long night we had last night with kiddos that did not want to go back to sleep.  After 3 hours of sleep, I was back up and at it this morning as they were bright eyed and bushy tailed.  I've survived the day, with a nap albeit, but I can feel the crash and burn coming soon as it is now 11:30pm. 

I am still contemplated my "classroom" learning area for in the house.  We've got the part of the front room pegged for where, but now its coming up with exactly how I want to set it up once we can do so.  I am a bit excited over this!  I have lots of ideas and really hope we can get going on this.

Its been a pretty mellow, relax at home weekend.  Not sure what the rest of the week will bring or if I'll make anymore plans.  I guess that all depends on the weather outside as well.  It would be nice to take the boys out.  Yet, it gets so warm so early in the day that it makes it hard to do so.  I will be happy when September rolls around.

Overestimated myself

I've always thought I had an iron stomach. It takes a lot to gross me out!  Well, that was true until moving to Texas.  I am so over the icky critters around here. Heebie jeebie central.  Now its all about learning how to rid our house of these pests. Its a whole new world for us. Some days I swear I'm in yet another horrible sequel to Starship Troopers.  Oh the joy.

Patience

“Patience and fortitude conquer all things” - Ralph Waldo Emerson
“The key to everything is patience. You get the chicken by hatching the egg, not by smashing it.” - Arnold H. Glasgow
“Patience can't be acquired overnight. It is just like building up a muscle. Every day you need to work on it.” -Eknath Easwaran

The subject of tonight's post is quite obvious.  We all know "Patience is a Virtue", but we also all joke that we either have none or it is the hardest of all virtues to possess.  I have found since becoming a mother, I have even less patience than I did before.  Who knew that was even possible.  One would think that after having children, you'd learn the art of patience much better due to the nature of parenting and children.  Instead, I feel as if it is all lost.  I am slowly working on my expectations and my patience in certain situations.  Its a learning experience and it will take time.  I hope it will also, in turn, help my children to have patience in the things they do and with the world around them.  

Patience with a 4 1/2 year old and an almost 2 year old is not an easy thing.  Its as if their daily duty is to try my patience to the very end as those tired, little eyes finally close, and they drift off into what I am beginning to call my "Bliss time."  Its that time of day that it is finally quiet, the screeching and whining has ceased, and all finally is peaceful in the world.  That's not the time of day I need help with...its all those other hours.  So I have gone to reading lots of different opinions and methods on the matter.  Ways to help both their behavior and my own.  It all comes down to basically the same five elements:

1.  Examine, and possibly change, your expectations
2. Don't take the fights and outbursts personally
3. Adjust your parenting style to fit the child
4. Have a consistent discipline strategy 
5. Take a time out for yourself (either from the situation at hand, or just in general time for yourself)

It all sounds so simple, but sometimes I think we adults forget those steps after they've been in this crazy journey called "parenthood."  Its easy to say what you do or don't want to do as a parent when you don't have kids yet and are just developing the "dream" in your head.  The reality changes a whole lot once those lovely little humans start developing their own personalities and ideas - - once they start challenging you in ways you never knew possible.  These are the times that patience is needed the most.  So, here I am, tired and weary...but most of all trying to learn and find patience when it seems I have none left.  Its there, hidden, but there.  

Weekend

So late last night, the husband's boss came by to let us borrow her car again for the weekend.  While we don't have plans, it'll be nice if we do want to go anywhere. 

The bug guy is coming back this afternoon.  Hopefully it gets a lot better.  All I can say is blech to all the bugs out here.

Its a holiday weekend. Not much to do here.  We'll be thinking about our friends and family back in Vegas.  I hope everyone has a safe and fun Independance Day.

Oops

Again I forgot to post yesterday.  I'm getting really bad about that.  Its not that I don't want to post, but its more that there isn't much to post about.  There isn't a whole lot going on, so then it slips my mind to blog about my day.

Yesterday was pretty productive though, as I got some more cleaning and organizing done.  I was apparently quite exhausted by the end of the night though, since I feel asleep before 9pm the first time! Woke up just enough to let the husband know I was going to sleep, and that was that.  I only woke up once more when the cat was meowing like crazy and I realized the husband wasn't sleeping yet (it always wakes me up if he hasn't come to bed yet).

I found a really awesome blog today -http://playathomemom3.blogspot.com/- that is quite helpful with teaching your little ones at home through playing.  I like a lot of their ideas and am thinking how we can start implementing some of it in our own home.  I really wish we had enough room for a dedicated learning area so I could organize all the school stuff together and make it look like its a learning/school area for the boys.  Something to ponder on and see if we can make it work somewhere in the house.  If I'm going to be at home, I really need to get ourselves together on this homeschooling thing for both boys...at least for the time being.  We aren't having any luck with finding preschool options here, so this would be our best bet.  I also really want sensory tables and a light table for discovery and science fun for them.  I have silly, messy boys so I know they would LOVE sensory tables!  I'm getting a head of myself of course.  Finding a "school room" type space in the house is definitely something to think about.

I think tonight is going to be Waffle night again for dinner.  We sure have gotten a lot of use out of our new waffle iron.  Definitely one of the most useful  "house warming" gifts we have ever gotten, although I kind of enjoyed the plastic Christmas wreath we received in our first apartment years ago! Ha!

I am contemplating redesigning the blog again.  I'm not happy enough with this template.  But that will have to be for another day. Mommyhood calls!

What a day

Today definitely did NOT start out well.  And then this afternoon consisted of 3 1/2 hours of hard core cleaning my kitchen plus 1 1/2 hours of cooking dinner.  That's a long time to be in the kitchen LOL.

I haven't picked up my second week of Couch to 5k yet.  I have been walking the last couple of nights though.  I may have to repeat the first week, as I don't feel quite ready to up it just yet.  I'll work on that.

I'm trying to keep up with the blogging and having something worthwhile to talk about, but when I blog this late at night (or 12am), my brain isn't quite up to par on the quick wit thinking.  I need to remember to do this earlier in the day.

Fixed?

It looks like the app for my phone has been updated and bugs fixed. Today has been an off day. I just haven't felt quite up to par.

Other developments today have been good news for us, so that was nice for a change.

I'm so darn exhausted anymore, that I just don't have much to say tonight.

Here we go again...

So its the beginning of another week.  One more down in the history books (not that it was very "historic" or "interesting" for that matter).  By the end of this week, we will have been in Dallas for two months.  Time is sort of slipping away from us.  I need to really start figuring out ways to get things done and not just hope they get done.  Or trying but not really putting my all into finding solutions. 

It was a bit of a boring week, too.  I need to get some phone calls and maybe video chats going this week.  You know me and connecting with people! ;-)

The whole weight loss thing and Couch to 5k is off to a pretty slow start.  It seems I put on some muscle, which is great, but that then means the scale is showing a bit higher number instead of lower.  Hopefully this week will make more of a difference. 

I am not sure if we really have any plans this week at all, but maybe I can think of something for us to do.

Not every encouraging...

"Dallas is way, way behind unless you live in the richer parts of Dallas..." - Response to a comment about family friendly, improved parks and the like. This makes me quite sad.  Reading that truly made my heart sink even more.  I never would have though about Las Vegas being better than somewhere else.  Truthfully. I just wanted out that I didn't really think much that other places are behind Vegas in so many ways.  Including progressive thinking.  Now I knew coming to Texas was going to be a challenge in our views/beliefs/philosophies with dealing with a lot more uber-conservative thought then we are used to dealing with.  But it just keeps slapping me in the face with how "behind" things really are.  The only person who has even been willing to reach out to the "newbies" in the neighborhood (that being us) is the apparently racist occupant across from us.  Great.  Those are also the only children I ever see outside playing.  So much for neighborhood friends.  I have a real hard time with people like that.  It stirs up more emotions than I can truly handle on top of all the other ones swirling around in me to begin with.  I will never understand that how in this day and age, people can still be so blatantly ignorant and intolerant of other human beings. We are all here together trying to make some sense of it all.  Why must someone insist on separating and pointing out the minute, insignificant differences just to make themselves feel better than someone else.  I don't get it.


But again I digress...


Things are different.  Plain and simple.  And behind.  That word just keeps resonating in my head.  Behind.  That is really what is in.  As if, this place has been hidden behind large stone walls and kept from the ever changing, progressing, improving world.  Unless, as the above quoted response points out, you are of money and have said money to break from these walls and make some changes. I am a big advocate for change and pushing the envelope and making a difference, but this may be a whole lot more than I can handle.

Nothing big today

Not a whole lot has gone on at all today.  I was feeling very under the weather earlier but other then the exhaustion part, it seems to have subsided for now.  Tonight I will finish up week 1 of Couch to 5k.  I am guessing I am putting on muscle since I am now gaining weight instead of losing.  To be expected I guess.  I have loads of cleaning to do tonight as well, since I haven't done much throughout the day.

Sorry that the posts are getting so much shorter.  Its been a pretty tiring week.  Hopefully I'll get back into the swing of things next week.

Lack of motivation

I am completely dragging today.  I know I probably over did it just a bit yesterday, but the working out felt so good.  Now I'm feeling the results today.  I'm sore, tired, and just not motivated to do anything.  I do need to get my arse in gear and get some cleaning done though.  So away from the computer I go...

Slacking

I'm losing ground on the blogging thing.  I'm not trying to skip days, but I have been getting caught up on other things as well that I forget until I'm already laying down, half asleep. 

Today I completed Day 2 of my first week of Couch to 5k.  So far so good.  Next week only bumps up the time a wee bit, but it might make all the difference of how I am feeling about it by that time.  I also did a Yoga/Pilates workout earlier today.  Both workouts felt great!  I'm really into this and hope I can stay on track this time around.  I have quite a bit of weight I do need to lose and also really am wanting to get back in shape all around.

Last night was the most amazingly loud, beautiful sounding thunderstorm.  I wish it had started early enough for me to truly enjoy it though, instead of losing sleep from it.  Glad the tornadoes stayed away from us at least.  This whole "Tornado Alley" thing is a bit creepy.  Before getting here, most people said Dallas really didn't get much of the weather anomalies...apparently those people were uninformed.

I hope to get the kiddos out of the house for even a little bit tomorrow, as today it was quite obvious they had really bad cabin fever.  Even the park for an hour would help, I am sure.  But if all that comes of tomorrow is a walk around the area, I'll take that too.  That is, if it doesn't rain again.

Another week

Today starts week 7 since we've moved.  Last week was a rough one.  I'm trying to make the effort to truly feel better about the move.  I think one of the things that has us so down is that we are a bit at a stand still.  We aren't really going forward with any of the goals or plans that we very firmly had set before we ever even left Vegas.  If we can start to change that, then maybe we can start feeling better and more at home.

I started the Couch to 5k last night.  It actually felt great! Of course, so far, its only walking and jogging in small increments to start, but still I felt the difference then if it was just a normal walk.  I really hope to get into shape a bit more with this.  Plus, I really hope to build up an endurance that I haven't ever had.  Running has never been something I have done.  I am bound and determined to change that. 

I have a few plans for the week.  We'll see what I actually get done.

6 years and counting...

I remember every moment of that day with such clarity...our wedding day that is.  Its funny because by the time we made it away from the party, I didn't remember anything.  It was all such a whirlwind.  But now, I can look back and remember SO much.  It seemed like the wind and many other things had wrecked out day.  Yet, now I can laugh...a little anyways...and cherish the fun time we did have together with family and friends.  It was a great day, despite any mishaps.  It was great because we got to openly share our love for one another with those that are so very close to us.  There are little quirks I think of now and sort of roll my eyes.  Several people we no longer talk to.  People in our wedding parties that we definitely wouldn't have chosen if we were to do it all again today.  Things we'd do different (indoor ceremony anyone??).  But in the end, the result is just the same.  Married to an amazing person and so many more years to come.

The Plan

I have a major health and fitness goal by the end of the year.  So I am working on getting all the elements of it into place. This all begins Saturday.  The husband and I are working on our meal plans and I'm working on the fitness part of my goal.  I've talked about doing it for some time now, but I will be starting the Couch to 5k Challenge.  This is what I am using for my source to get started: http://www.coolrunning.com/engine/2/2_3/181.shtml.  It has a good layout for what should be done each week.  I'm getting pretty excited about it actually.  Hoping to see some good results, but all to get myself into some good habits as well.

Today was a fun mail day.  We finally got our library cards AND we got our The Mommies Network t-shirts! Yippee! We will head to the library after dinner.  And then I cannot wait to sport out TMN gear at an event soon! Woohoo!

I'm thinking about what all we could do this weekend, no specific plans yet but I'd like to get out some.

I'm glad its been such a good day, and I am pretty ready to start getting this big goal started. I'm motivated.