Where'd it go?

“The story of life is quicker then the blink of an eye, the story of love is hello, goodbye.” - Jimi Hendrix


Tomorrow is our youngest son's birthday.  He will be two years old.  I cannot believe its been that long already that our family grew a little bigger with this amazing little guy.  He is, what my doctor calls, our miracle baby.  We went through a lot emotionally together, and myself physically, to have him here with us.  Motherhood isn't all that I had imagined or hoped...its so much more.  All four of my babies hold a special place in my heart.  Each one brings something different to the dynamics of our unconventional family.  Its hard trying to explain our girls to outsiders when we say we are a family of six or that we have four children.  They see four people, or just the two boys.  But our girls are forever a part of our family.  They are my daughters and always will be.  I am a mom of four and very proud of it.


It seems like a lifetime ago and yet just yesterday that we completed our family. So much has happened and/or changed since September 2009.  I hope we have some more changes for the good over the next year (and years to come).  We are definitely on an adventure ride with life and these silly, crazy boys of ours.  I love it even through hard times and challenges.  Its my life and I do love it/

3 minutes and counting

I almost nearly didn't get this blog out in time.

So the inlaws are on their way back to Michigan early in the morning.  Tonight we did a little celebration/party/dinner thing for my kiddo's 2nd birthday (which is on Thursday).  Pizza, cupcakes, and a few presents.  He had a lot of fun.  I mostly am just exhausted from the last five days. What craziness.  It was nice to have people in to visit, but I am thankful that today was the last day.  Just tiring and hectic at times.  The rest of his birthday celebrating will happen on his actual day.

Tonight we were able to video chat with our besties.  I had a few times where I could feel I was starting to tear up.  Saying I miss them would be more than an understatement.  I truly cannot convey in words how my heart feels empty in many ways without them, and without a few others as well.  I forgot how much of a hard time I was having here.  I've been just moving along through the steps and not really working through all of this.  There has been just a complacency that has filled the void.  I need to get more active to try to enjoy what time we have here.  But I do really hope that the amount of time left isn't very long.  I'm realizing more and more that while it was the right move at the moment, its not the permanent right move for us.  We have to start making the effort to plan what we can do to get us back there.  Our families, friends, and lives are waiting for us (and sometimes begging us) to come home.  Some of them truly are in need of our help even.  I can't ignore this type of thing.  Family comes first.  We have to start making the arrangements and plans and details work out in order for moving back to be a possibility.  Because right now, I do not know if we have any other choice.  Not a healthy or productive one anyways.

I've felt it before, but I know I can say it without a shadow of doubt that I am homesick.

What a weekend...

And we still have tomorrow to get through.  I think this is the most we have ever eaten out in this short amount of time ever.  I am certain I've gained weight from it.  Certain I will be getting back into my exercise routine come Monday.  Not that I didn't need to do that anyways, but this helps the motivation.  It was a long day, but good for the most part.  A few snags here and there but good nonetheless.  I try to have fun even when others are trying to bring everyone else down.  Its been nice to have the distraction of visitors for the last few days at least.  Tomorrow is the in-laws last full day here so we are doing a birthday dinner with cake for my little (big) guy.

I cannot believe that in just a few short days, we will have a two year old! Time has just flown by in the blink of an eye.  I wish I could just go back and cherish every single second that much more.  He's our little NICU guy and now here he is all Mr. Two with Attitude already.  Love what he brings to our little family.  Its so amazing to see our sons growing up and growing together.  I just have days where I wish they'd do all that just a little slower please.  No more baby in either of them that is for sure. 

Our four year old will be starting preschool classes on the 9th of next month.  Crazy.  I know like a silly emotional mommy I will cry.  I just am that mom.  He's so intelligent and thoughtful and an amazing little guy as well.  He's a handful some days, but such a great little kid.  I asked him if he could just stop growing up now for Mommy and he told me. "No. I have to get bigger!"  He sure does.  But that still doesn't make it any less hard for this mommy.  Love him so very much too. 

I don't know where I'd be without my family and my little guys.  We've been through a lot in the past several years, and both of our boys have truly helped us cope through the struggles in ways they will never understand.  The life, laugh, and smile of a child does absolutely amazing things for the soul.


We worry about what a child will become tomorrow, yet we forget that he is someone today.  ~Stacia Tauscher

I brought children into this dark world because it needed the light that only a child can bring.  ~Liz Armbruster

Boy, n.:  a noise with dirt on it.  ~Not Your Average Dictionary

Sick

I feel like major crud right now.  My throat is very sore but also just feels nasty inside.  Hard to explain it but I feel horrible.

The inlaws are in town right now and we've been out and about the last couple of nights.  Tomorrow I hope to accomplish both getting preschool class information and also two year birthday stuff for each of the boys, respectfully.  Hopefully I have good luck on more fronts there.

Not much else to report really tonight, especially since I'm just too sick to think deeply about a post at the moment.  Hopefully tomorrow brings a better day.

Moving right along

The AC is fixed. Thank goodness. 

I then had issues with the cable company ALL day today.  But now that is also fixed.  Again, thank goodness.  Its just been one thing after another around here.  I think I've had all I can take of that.  The in-laws are on their way down to visit with us as I type this (well hopefully they have stopped for the night).  The boys will really enjoy it and hopefully we can get out of the house more for a few days.  Not sure what all plans they have. 

I am currently working on the husband's family genealogy.  Genealogy and heritage really fascinate me.  I want to make sure our children know where they come from and as much detail as we can find out.  I want stories to be passed on.  While we live in the time of technology, I do not want family stories and heritage to get lost in the cobwebs of time.  I can only get so far without having to start paying for services, but I think it might be time to start doing that as well.  I get excited with each new tidbit that I find.  I cannot wait to start piecing it all together even more.

The kicker

So our AC went out early this evening right around dinner time.  Its been a pretty rough night.  Tomorrow they are supposed to be coming out to take a look at it and fix the problem.  Or they better darn well be doing something.  We are all dripping in sweat. The animals look pitifully miserable.  And I am now battling a migraine and asthma issues. Fan-flippin-tastic.  We are most likely heading out somewhere, anywhere, with AC for the day tomorrow while things are getting fixed.  This just is going to be a horrible night to get through though. 

On a side note though, we have started discussing some things about the next year or so.  I am really just wanting to keep an open mind about our plans and see where it goes.  I know what my current verdict would be if we had to make choices right now, but we have a lot to figure out before we have to decide.  Hopefully this will help us in getting some things done here in Dallas that we need to do as well, financially and otherwise.  There is a lot going on all at once, but I am feeling better and more confident currently that I have in a couple of months.

Defining the moment

Exile means to be away from one's home (i.e. city, state or country), while either being explicitly refused permission to return and/or being threatened with imprisonment or death upon return. It can be a form of punishment. - "Exile", Wikipedia  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Exile


ex·ile [eg-zahyl, ek-sahyl] noun, verb, -iled, -il·ing.
noun
1. expulsion from one's native land by authoritative decree.
2. the fact or state of such expulsion: to live in exile.
3. a person banished from his or her native land.
4. prolonged separation from one's country or home, as by force of circumstances: wartime exile.
5. anyone separated from his or her country or home voluntarily or by force of circumstances.

"Force of circumstances."  So for us that "force" would be that our choice was to either live homeless (as we had just moved out of our current home and were staying with family) AND unemployed (my part time job excluded here), or move against our desires in order to keep both employment and a home.  Its those hard choices that come with being an adult.  Yet, I don't think I should have to like these choices either.  We have responsibilities to take care of, obviously, but still I feel like life would somehow feel easier being within the same city as our support system. 

I'll be completely honest.  I am ready to go home.  We have 8 1/2 months before that is really even a possibility...and not even sure how possible it will be just yet.

What day is it?

This week is even slower than last. Sheesh.  Not that we have plans for any day this weekend or that we have a way to even do anything, but still the slower the weeks move, the longer it feels like we've been here. 

What I really need to put my focus and energy into is the two year old birthday we have coming up in two weeks. Nothing planned at all.  So not like us...or me at least.  I'm a planner.  And  I sure have not done well at planning anything since we've moved.  I need to figure out what our "theme" is this year at least for a cake, even if its just us at home. 

My posts are getting shorter and shorter.  I should spend more time really coming up with better blogging subjects.  And this is why I am not a writer.

Relief

I have started on a melatonin/herbal supplement.  WOW!  One night and already I can deal the difference.  Sleep was actually restful, even if short.  I am already about to drift off to sleep again after tonight's dose.  Seriously, I cannot remember the last time that I drifted off to sleep instead of major crashing from sleep deprivation or forcing myself to sleep after hours and hours of just laying there.  Finally.  Something that is working for me.  I need this so badly and am really happy that it works thus far. 

There are 16 days until we officially have a two year old on our hands.  I don't even know how to comprehend that just yet.  I still feel like we just brought him home from the hospital.  I bet I cry on his birthday.  Yes, I am that mom.  These last two years have been so crazy and whirlwind!  I cannot believe by the end of the year, the boys will be two years old and five years old.  It happens all so quickly.

The emotions are starting to roll in, so I am pretty sure that means I need to go to sleep.  Aaah the restfulness of slumberland, how I have missed thee....zzzzzzzzzzzzz

30 minutes left

The days get away from me and I have forgotten to blog the past few days.

I have my first full blown ear infection since I was probably a small child.  Its painful.  I don't know how kids do it.  I have a high threshold for pain and I have been near tears for two days already.  I have taken it easy, so hopefully some more rest tonight will help things along.  I really hope it doesn't last much longer.  One of the boys is sick too.  Not sure what is going on, but he has had an on and off slight fever all day.  Hope tomorrow is much better for all of us.

I could use a better day for sure.

Out and about

So we finally got out to one of the mommy group play date events.  And we all had a blast!  It was nice to meet some other moms and get some adult interaction.  And the boys made some new friends.  Yay.  After the meet up, we checked out one of the area malls.  It was, so far, the nicest one we have been to out here.  Hopefully we will get more time to check it out again. 

My insomnia is getting the best of me.  Isn't that what insomnia does?  While I had a good time today, I am feeling horrible.  The day after no sleep nights, I feel like I use to when I would be out all night drinking.  Dehydrated, sore, foggy, drained, and just plan gross.  I have to start looking into supplements and other possible remedies/treatments for this.  I cannot keep going on like this. I am not functioning well at this point, which really isn't a good thing being the at-home parent.  I need to get a hold of the reins on this.  I am so over not sleeping and feeling like a zombie all the time.

Difficulty

I am having the hardest time finding preschool options right now.  Both boys are ahead as it is. With our oldest son's birthday late in the year, he really gets the shaft on getting into school early. The school district we currently live in apparently isn't that great. All the private schools are ridiculous in pricing, and there are not public programs here like there were back in Vegas.  I'm frustrated and really upset that we cannot get them into school early like we have always planned.  Its really beginning to get to me.  They need the social interaction more than anything else.  Its times like this that make me feel bad because all our plans just get thrown out the window.  And times like this that just make me want to head back to Vegas as soon as we can.  Which is just not a viable option at the moment.

Champagne would fall from the heavens...

or at least confetti from the sky.  Neither of which has happened to commemorate our 100th day here in Texas.  And I'm really not celebrating either.  I am so over the whole ordeal really.  Just trying to get the things done that we want to get done and move on from there.  We have had a few obstacles and unforeseen things hinder a lot of our plans. This has contributed to the ever growing desire to not be here.  I just wish I knew how to really get motivated again and get done what needs to be done.

A whole lotta...nada

I am not even sure where this day went, as we literally did absolutely nothing all day.  One kiddo was sick as the day started, and so it really just became a lazy day for all of us at home. 

Due to the recommendation of someone, I have started a new HBO miniseries - Mildred Pierce.  I enjoy Kate Winslet and she isn't disappointing at all in this either.  Its a good "strong woman" overcoming adversity movie thus far.  Of course, I am only in the first episode, but I am sure it will continue to be just as good.  Its also a period piece of the 1930s, another thing I really enjoy as well.  The costuming, sets, everything is done very nicely.  I wish I could walk in heels as much as the women back then did. I wish I was a better housewife for that matter some days. So much as been lost in the decades since the 1950s that is for sure.  While I am not saying I want to be stuck at home being the "little wife", I do wish I was just better at taking care of our home.  I lack the energy most days to get everything done that needs to be done.  And I feel bad for that.  Kate Winslet's character spent a day just baking all day.  Oh wouldn't that be nice.  Not realistic, but nice.  I do feel that some of my lack of motivation also is due to the convenience of modern technology.  I need to have a technology "detox" and soon.

Best weekend since April

Due to unforeseen circumstances, family got to stay here a little longer than expected.  And its been thoroughly enjoyable.  Although we haven't been able to do a whole lot, we have had a good time.  They are leaving in a couple of hours and will be back on the road back to Las Vegas.  Its been a good visit.  Hopefully this will be the start of a round of visits and our trips back for us as well.

I am really hoping to start working on some of our personal goals (not necessarily Day Zero) that we had set and talked about before moving here.  We have a lot on our plate, and we have a lot to take care of at this point.  We have been in a rut since getting here and its really not helping us out one bit.  I need to get my act together and actually do something.  I was much more optimistic when I got here than I am now. I need to fix that.

We are really hoping that this week might bring a bit of a change that will help us.  I'd say only time will tell, but we've been waiting on it for months now.  Let's hope this is our week.

Anti-climactic

For what has felt like the longest week ever, that was supposed to lead up to some fun and highlights of our "stay" here in Dallas thus far, has turned into really not much different than any other weekend.  Due to understandable circumstances, a fellow mommy was not able to make it over yesterday and I completely understand.  I was looking forward to getting to meet some new people, but it will happen in due time.  The rest of it all though really just has lead up to a whole lot of nada at the moment.  We are still "waiting" but no longer hoping for some incoming finances that should have come our way two weeks ago now (if not months before).  And our guests aren't making as good as time as was hoped, so our time with them will be cut extremely short.  Its just par for the course really, but nonetheless makes this the most anti-climactic weekend since we moved.  Sort of like a Tom Cruise movie...or a Michael Bay movie...a whole lot of hype and build up for something that, at the very best, will be a mediocre waste of anticipation and time.

Boring thus far

So we are now a couple days into our fourth month here.  And a whole lot of nothing is going on really.  Not that I am expecting excitement and thrills.  Just an observation that we are in this "rut" of not really anything going on and not a whole lot changing at the moment.  Other than the impressive for Texas heat....that is not so impressive for someone from Las Vegas.

I said a while ago I wanted to fix the look of this blog, and yet nothing there yet either.  I need to really find the time and patience to actually do that.  And maybe someone more knowledgeable to help guide me through it, too.  Its so blah and not pleasing to the eye currently.  I must fix that.

The weekend is finally within site.  Its been such a looong first week of August.  We have some family stopping by this weekend, and I am almost certain this will be the highlight of the last three months for us.  Sad but true.  It will be a good time, and far too short.  But at least we will get to see some family and the boys will get to hang out with their best buddies!  Now its just getting through the next two days until they get here. 

And then its just convincing other people to come see us, too!

New project

I have a new goal/project that I am hoping to work on each day.  I can't talk to many details since I know I have friends that read this, but hopefully it will spread a little "sunshine" around to those I know.  I love starting things like this.  It makes me happy. 

I am going soooo slow on the movie goal though.  Same as the book goal.  At this rate, I will never read enough books by my goal date.  But I will certainly try my best.  I also have a lot of movies to get cranked out here.  I am not sure that I am looking forward to The Hurt Locker.  Obviously it won the attention of The Academy but I am not a big war movie fan to begin with, so I don't know how I feel about this one.  But its the next movie in line.  So that means I need to get cracking on watching Black Swan since that it just the movie I currently have in my possession from Netflix.  I need to see how many of these films Netflix has.  I know I have a few on my instant streaming, but those are some older ones that I have awhile until I get to them.  I will get there.

I am pretty hopeful for this weekend, it should at least give us all a moment of pick me up and a refresher.  And then after that I really am going to try to make a better effort at being happy here.  A friend and former coworker of mine posted this on Facebook -
         "Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections."

Wow! I think that could have been written/said right at me! Sheesh.  Guess its time to get the act together and start actually coping instead of moping.

Across the 2nd Dimension

Some days I feel stuck in the 2nd dimension.  I feel like we are just walking through the steps right now and not really getting to do much else.  We are in "time out" right now.  That's how it feels being here.  I know that is so absolutely negative, but I've tried...truly I am trying every day...to just be okay with where we are for now.  And its not working.  Exile is exile no matter how you look at it.  Dramatic? Eh, probably.  But than if that is how you think I am reacting (or over-reacting), just use my schooling as an excuse.  I know a lot of this has to do with being sort of "stuck" with not having a vehicle or way to get out to meet people.  As much as I'm all for the bus and the train system here, the heat is so overbearing right now that I cannot be out alone with the boys in this.  There's no way I would do that.  I guess I just want to feel better and I don't know how to do that.  But hopefully this weekend will bring a little pick-me-up.  Ha! Its only the end of Monday, and I'm already talking about the weekend.  See...told you.