Change

How quickly things change in a year and how much stays the same.  "What does it mean to be human?" The nonstop question asked of my college alma mater of it's young, hopeful students.  And here I am today to tell you that I am still trying to answer that question.  I am still learning the answer(s) to that question.  And I am still living it out day by day.  By no means perfect, or even trying to be.  Just living each moment learning how to be human. 

Eyes Wide Shut

No not the movie.  Just felt it expressed how I was feeling currently.  I am sitting in bed with my youngest and falling asleep fast.  I need a good night's sleep but I know that is a pipe dream.  I wouldn't say this was even one iota of a productive weekend.  But it was a very good weekend.  Too bad it goes so fast. I realize more and more the people who will always help me get through the hard times.  The list has dwindled over the years.  And I actually like it that way.  If you can't handle it when I'm at my worst and lowest, you don't deserve to be around for my best. I have my few select.  You better believe that I would do anything for them as well.  I may not have a lot of family.  My few have made up for that.  Sometimes you have to pick your own family.  I am very proud of those people so close to me that I get to call them my brothers or sisters.  They are as much of my world as my beautiful babes that lay near me now fast asleep.  And we all have each other when our backs are against the wall.  I am very happy to be where I am today.  Some days I made it here on the shoulders of these few that I cherish so deeply.  Sometimes I've carried them.  This.  This is what life is about.  Pure, honest love for another human being. 

Hello

"You and I were friends from outer space

Afraid to let go

The only 2 who understood this place

And as far as we know

We were way before our time

As bold as we were blind

Just another perfect mistake

Another bridge to take

On the way of letting go,

This ain't goodbye

This is just where love goes

When words aren't warm enough to keep away the cold

This ain't goodbye

It's not where our story ends

But I know you can't be mine, not the way you've always been

As long as we've got time

Then this ain't goodbye

Oh no, this ain't goodbye

We were stars up in the sunlit sky

No one else could see

Neither of us ever thought to ask why

It wasn't meant to be

Maybe we were way too high

To ever understand

Maybe we were victims of all the foolish plans

We began to devise

But this ain't goodbye

This is just the way love goes

When words aren't warm enough to keep away the cold.

This ain't goodbye

It's not where our story ends

But I know you can't be mine

Just like the way you've always been

As long as we've got time,

This ain't goodbye,

Oh no, this ain't good bye, oh oh, oh no this ain't goodbye

This ain't goodbye

You and I were friends from outer space

Afraid to let go

The only two who understood this place

And as far as we know

This ain't goodbye

Oh no this ain't goodbye

This ain't goodbye oh no this ain't goodbye

This ain't goodbye

It's just the way love goes

But where's that woman now, to keep away the cold, oh no?

This ain't goodbye

This isn't where the story ends

But I know you can't be mine

Like the way you've always been

This ain't goodbye"

- Train

Long time in the making

I am not even sure how I got to this moment.  Its interesting the little things that can completely change your way of thinking...in such a short amount of time.  I have recently come in contact with someone from my past and 14 years later, we are learning to be friends again.  Its been already a great couple of weeks getting to know each other again and learning about each others' lives since we parted paths.  It feels like I had something missing for those 14 years and didn't even realize it until it was found again.  I have a very special and important friend back...and it feels good to have that again.

And that isn't the last of my path of reconciliation it seems.  I have not seen my father since I was 18.  And I'd be lying if I said that didn't phase me.  I put on the tough girl mask that I am okay with it, but many times I am not.  It doesn't tear me up inside or affect me in a way that makes me sad.  I don't expect to have the closest of relationships, because really we never did, but I would at least try to salvage something with him.  I was just recently told that "Time is precious."  And this is something I have always known...I have been through my own times of loss and struggle, but something about it this time hit home.  So I reached out.  Trying to make amends in different areas of life I guess.  Coming up on 31 years of this life and I am still constantly learning about being human and how we make this life worth it each and every day.

I just re-watched Ellen DeGeneres' Here and Now special again the other night.  She makes a big play on procrastination.  And while I believe her view is spot on...we move to fast in life and aren't trying to truly enjoy its pleasures...we also need to remember what we SHOULD procrastinate and what things we just need to get over ourselves about and just do it!

So just remember, put off the things that can wait until tomorrow but learn to enjoy what you can for today:

“Procrastination is not the problem. It is the solution. It is the universe's way of saying stop, slow down, you move too fast. Listen to the music. Whoa whoa, listen to the music. Because music makes the people come together, it makes the bourgeois and the rebel. So come on people now, smile on your brother, everybody try to love one another. Because what the world needs now is love, sweet love. And I know that love is a battlefield, but boogie on reggae woman because you're gonna make it after all. So celebrate good times, come on. I've gotta stop I've gotta come to my senses, I've been out riding fences for so long... oops I did it again... um... What I'm trying to say is, if you leave tonight and you don't remember anything else that I've said, leave here and remember this: Procrastinate now, don't put it off. ” - Ellen DeGeneres 

The Blah's

This hasn't been a great week. I have had both a nonstop migraine and shoulder injury pain. This morning, I've been very emotional...I think mostly from anxiety and lack of sleep. I'm sleeping horribly and feel awful by morning. Time to get that under control.

Goals redux

So as the new year has started, I am trying to revamp my goals. My original 101 list was long lost last year from a computer virus. I have still tried to work on bits and pieces that I remembered but haven't had great success either sometimes. I attempted to start my meditation, but then was working two jobs consistently which just caused more burn out and no time for the meditation challenge I had joined. So here's hoping to get that back into my life. 2012 was so jam packed and busy from beginning to end. It brought our family back together and us into our current home. There were been job ups and downs, and the passing of my Praxis exams. Here's to hoping we are on track to make even more changes in 2013 to benefit our family and ourselves. I have lots of ideas and lots of plans that I hope to share, and hopefully back to a daily posting here. Here's to 2013! Make it a good one, folks!

Long time...no type

It has been far too long since I have written here.

And all too much has happened to try and post at once, as well.

Things are currently going along well.  We are in our new home, the Kiddo is loving school (and doing exceptionally well...we just got a peek at his report card at parent teacher conferences), and our wild child three year old is well, that.

There are still issues with work situations, but I am hoping to be out of that soon.  Details to that all at a later time.

I am really hoping to get back into my 101 goals soon, as hopefully things are beginning to calm down for us now.

Texas really seems like a distant, fuzzy-though dream now.  And yet even just a year ago, we were still living there.  I don't miss much of it at all...if anything, really.  I know so many people who love it there, and more power to them.  I guess it just truly wasn't for us.  We are happier, the boys are happier, and all our family and friends prefer us closer, too.  Its been a rollercoaster ride and I'm glad to be on this end of it all.

Halloween is soon.  This is just the best time of year all around.  Soon we will be planning a SIX year old birthday party!  Wow.  And the yummiest time of year follows after that.  Its our "busy" season.  And really, I wouldn't have it any other way.  I'm glad to be spending this year at home, in our own place, with all the people that we love.  It's going to be a great ending to 2012, I can just feel it.

Tomorrow...

I will have a kindergartner.

Kindergarten. Time flies.

The emotions are intense over this. My babies will all be my babies. I just am completely overwhelmed with the joy that they have brought to my life. And all the emotion that goes with that.

Then Saturday, our youngest turns three. Again, just the thought gets me choked up.

Being a mom. The most important thing I've ever done with my life.

Hey old friend

It's been awhile. We have been very busy...lots of go go go.

I just started my new job last week, and while it's not what I imagined, I am sticking it through for now. We need me to do so. Hopefully it gets a bit better. It doesn't help much that the boys aren't adjusting well yet to me working full time. They'll get there.

I am currently working on the fitness/health aspect of my 101 goals. We attend the gym about three times a week and have a great program going on. It has helped immensely with energy and just all around feeling better. The weight loss side of it is slow going, but hopefully soon I'll see more results there, too.

It's hard to believe its July already. We have so much to get done before our "busy season" starts in just under two months. And I know it'll go fast. It's a busy, busy summer for us. Or maybe just a busy, busy life.

Onward from here

A lot has happened in the last two weeks. And of course, our final goal of the last 6+ months has been achieved. A year ago, we thought we were going into something completely different than it turned out. We may be back to what looks like where we started, but it's more our restart. We have a whole new outlook now and are working each day towards bettering our lives. Lots of plans ahead!

I will most likely be moving my blog soon, and will update more then.

The end in sight

After a month and a half of hard core stress about the husband's work situation, we FINALLY received good news. We are still in the waiting game, but finally on the happy ending side of it all. It has been almost a year since this madness began. A journey that has brought us closer as a couple, helped us appreciate the little things in life, and shown us what truly matters to our hearts and souls. It is also a journey that has brought back to the "beginning", although for us it's the end of what nearly felt like a nightmare.

"What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from."
- T. S. Eliot

Poem morning

[i carry your heart with me(i carry it in] by E. E. Cummings : The Poetry Foundation

A month lost

I didn't blog at all in March. Busy is as busy does. And being busy really is just an excuse. A recap would just reveal that while we are closer to the husband's move back date, we really are no closer to knowing exactly what is happening. Many variables are still up in the air. So that leaves us really stressed and a bit scrambling to get it together. Just like we were a year ago as we were still waiting for answers about moving to "Exile" in the first place. It's been a long year, and I really will be ready to put it behind us. Soon. Hopefully.

Starting on myself

I have several of my goals that have to do with my personal well being and spiritual health. I'm beginning on this in March. Starting with setting aside an amount of time as strictly "me time." Eventually this will be working back into meditating. It's a part of pre-baby life that I really miss. That and my yoga. I'm thinking I might start doing an actual yoga class even once the husband is home. I am looking forward to getting my own self back on track.

We're over it

Planning to get the husband home has begun and we are just over it all. So much to do, so little time. It's just exhausting on the brain. It's time for this to be over with.

Going good

Despite the obvious of our family being separated, things really are going well. I'm working quite a bit right now which makes me happy. I've gone out with a friend, have plans to go out soon with my bestie, and hopefully seeing another friend tomorrow as well. I'm currently figuring out school options for our oldest...which is nerve wracking since I almost feel as if I'm behind with how intensive it is finding, enrolling, and being on the lottery for charter schools. Sheesh. But I have my fingers crossed that we may have a big contender that we are touring in a few weeks.

I'm also back on track with working out. My last weight loo regimen didn't go so well as I ended up feeling a bit awful despite weight loss. I've since put that weight back on, all in a matter of a few weeks. So I'm starting again and this round out differently and slowly. Hopefully I can get myself healthy enough as well. I know I am vitamin deficient, so I am starting there and working out with that. I'm noticing the energy boost already and hope I continue to feel better from here our.

Really we are closing out the third month of being back in Vegas. That means only two more months before moving the husband back here. It's coming very fast. Which that, of course, makes me very happy. But we do have so much to do in that short amount of time. Lots of planning ahead. I'm looking forward to getting this all set soon. In fact, having our family whole and together again is the highlight of my year. I truly am excited for that day. I'm glad this year is on the way to being a good one!

I am blessed...

With some amazing friends. I finally got a night out last night. A grown-up out to dinner, a few drinks, and seeing a band play kind of going out night. It was great hanging out with one of my closest friends and just getting to relax. Stress-free. I need more of that. Life gets us all busy, but I do need to try to get together with my friends more. We only live once; we should spend it with the ones that make us laugh. Life's too short to not be happy.

Rough days

I haven't blogged in far too long and it is truly because this time of year sucks.

Yesterday was the four year anniversary of losing Gwyniviere and Onora. And it was a lot harder then I expected. Last year, I actually did okay on their day, but this year I am just a mess. I know it is partly because my husband is still 1200 miles away. It made the day that much harder to get through.

I am still struggling, still grieving. Just as I think I've found peace, I find myself shattered and broken all over again. I know it all is time. I need a jumpstart in the right direction though. I think the time has come about to do something more. Something for the girls. Something that makes a difference for other parents who are going through what we did, for others trying to make sense of TTTS, for other precious babies out there. I have a lot of research and work ahead of me; but hopefully by this time next year, we'll be doing a bit more to help a communities of families who have been through this, too. Its time for the thinking cap and to really start pushing even harder as my daughters' advocate. I've been vocal in making pregnancy and infant loss awareness heard and seen, but I want to be doing even more. I hope to find great ways to start this.

Health

It's becoming more and more evident that I need to find a primary care physician. I'm having more issues with my asthma and with heart palpitations. And then my foot still hasn't healed completely. I'm beginning to feel as if closing in on 30 means falling apart. Again, all the more reason to get into be seen and to have a full work up. The other issue is the weight I've put on in less than a year. It's scary to me. While I have lost some, I am fluctuating back and forth with no big drop in weight recently. I do need to kick up my activity level, but between injuries and other health issues, that nearly becomes impossible.

Yes, I need to start focusing on my own health now.

Life

So much can be said here. Life is an enigmatic mystery that we are all figuring out together and for ourselves.

It's late so I just will leave you with this:

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life — It goes on." - Robert Frost